Rachel's Pulled Chicken BBQ [Rachel]

Pre-Prep
Thaw Chicken Breast.

Once thawed pre-heat oven to 250.

Sauce Creation
In a bowl wisp together:
1/4 cup catchup
1/8 cup apple cider vinegar
1 cup apple juice
1/8 cup terriakie sauce
1/8 cup olive oil
2 tea spoons sun dried tomato paste
1 table spoon dijon mustard
1 tea spoon lemon juice
light dash of paprika
light dash of cummen
some onion flakes
salt

Dry Rub / Searing
Sprinkle the chicken with salt, onion powder, basil. Sear the breast in a hot skillet.

Baking
In a glass pie pan spray with non-stick spray. Dip chicken in the sauce to coat evenly then put it in the baking dish. Pour sauce over chicken. Cover with foil and poke a small hole in the middle.

Bake in 250 oven for one hour on rack that is about 1/3 from the bottom of the oven.
Then turn up the heat to 300 and bake for another hour.

Serving
Pull with fork like pork and serve.

More Adjustments and random stuff

The rule of multplicity that I live by is that everything is always changing, especially personalities and what/which one the brain will pick at any given time. I can't count on other people or me to react, respond, be, or do what I expect. And that really drives my analytical side bug nuts! I want to be able to know. It is hard for me to sit with the unknowing. It's hard for me to be in the here and now and be present to what other people need or what I need. I want to already know. But life doesn't work that way...

While I was unemployed my brain started reorganizing as we dealt with surging emotions. We dealt with our poly dynamic as well. For many reasons Akhenaten, Scott, and Rachel each took time off. This left our brain scrambling to cope, deal, front, etc.

Well we are finally all back and getting things organized again now that we are working again. When we weren't we started migrating to a natural state of being. The "normal" we do for work is a creation to survive the social norms and requirements of society. Our base normal self is a night creature that finds tangents and runs with them. We do all kinds of random projects. Well that has left us with a long list of TODOs to get done now that we are working again. We are sorting through their priorty and have even made a list. Some we'll do because ya we want to do them for real. Some are more job type things that we'd like to do if we weren't out working for someone else.

Over this forced break we learned a lot about working with leather. Starting to really enjoy the possibilities there and have a long list of ideas in our head for projects to do.

There are five or six whips I plan to braid out and some other toys to build.

There are multiple apps I've invented I want to have someone write and if it has to be me then they will take a while.

etc. etc. etc...

So all that takes money. :( So a lot of that probibly won't happen or won't happen as soon as I want for sure.



Sarah is getting stronger. We are scared about that. She's a cunt and doesn't like some people we do. We keep her in the background and she mostly doesn't want to come out anyways. But slowly she is coming out more and more. Weird feelings flow with her. Weirder to our system than other personalities. Her views are so different. Most of our system share the same outlook and views but express them differently. She doesn't really fit that model. In some ways she says what we are scared to tell ourselves at times. A bit of a protector spirit that way. But mostly she's just being a cunt.



Work. We sit here waiting for access to our computer... boring! Can't really do what we want because ya we are at work. So lots of web surfing...


3D printing. I've been obsessed with possibilities there for a few weeks now. Today on CNN they have a report on 3d printing where they say it is moving from several millions to 1.x Billion in the next few years. I am tempted to go that line, but it requires a lot of trig that my brain can't really handle. But there are many aspects of it I could do. It will probibly be a hobby and I'd like to build a printer from scratch for myself. It fills that robot interest as well as the 3d printing side of things. I'd love to make one that has three or four colors that blend together to make color on demand or some other inking system. I'd really love to build a metal printer too. Those are cool.

I have some business ideas around 3d printing that lets customers modify some parameters to get custom fit products. Maybe I'll work on writing those apps. I have a better business idea around online games to do first though. But i'd love to be able to make a line of customizable leather punches. Not a big money maker, but sounds like a fun project. Maybe I could sell it to Tandy or something. LOL

Yet I find it all so fascinating... So maybe I will go that direction. Just depends on how my ADD goes... LOL


Rachel is slowly coming back. With the deal with MK she turned off. It wasn't that we tried to do that to her or that she let anyone know. Just we realized we couldn't reach her. That was almost weirder than when Scott turned off for a break and we were jumping from Akhenaten straight to Rachel. But she's slowly coming back. She's starting to regain her stregnth. At first she couldn't hold the front very well. Getting better at it again. She's majorly depressed. Typical teenager reactions to non-recipicated love. We'll get beyond it.

Speaking of this issue most of the rest of us are mostly doing ok with this. We still have some weird feelings about it but aren't on the train of thought to make things end like we were before we figured out what was bothering us and why it was. Now that we've narrowed it down to a specific thing it's been easier for some of us to manage. We still need more communication to get this working better...



Speaking of communication it's not been happening at home much because we have all been depressed and dealing with our issues. Me being depressed shot both of my girls into a depression. I'm mostly back out and now trying to pick up the pieces. Sucks because I needed their support which pushed me further down ... anyways fast forward - we are starting to pull it back together. Seems like no matter how hard I try I always end up with people that are depressed and we play the depression dance. BUT this is the best mix yet!!! ;)


I'm slowly starting to teach more BDSM classes. I have a blade class I co-teach. I'm part of the steering committee for a BDSM basics class and probably will eventually teach one of those classes. I do a lot of mentoring. I have become a very active member in my community. But mostly I support girl #2 with her teaching because she's kick ass at it! I am working on a new class that I'll teach. It's working title is BDSM in Action. Working on the TOC, speech, slides, and pictures. I've got a few weeks to finish it...



Helicopter. Ya the ADD is still driving me nuts but it's settling down a bit now that their is a routine emerging with the new job. (but there was just one flying around with red cross paintings on it. I suddenly had thought of Vietnam...)

Valuable?

New job is going well. Initial learning curve but because it is the same business domain I'm jumping in full swing and just having to learn their product/implementation. I have a stack of stuff to read after lunch...

It worries me how free and valuable I feel now that I have a job again. That should come from inside instead of someone showing me to be valuable. Most of it is the dynamic of how culture has us set up to be valuable only if we are providing money a particular way - a job. But there is so many things I want to do that can make money. If only I had enough time and funds to float me until I could get them to pay off... But I don't.  Soo... I has a job again. LOL

And I'm mostly happy right now. Some major things broke free between MK and me. It is still a bit raw and awkward but I'm trying and so is he. I just wish we didn't have to try so much.

Busy busy lately.

New Job - finally

I got a new job offer last week! Yay!!!

But there are things to handle that over shadow that excitement.

Then I drop up for a divorse kids class in WI.
I saw my kids. That was hard. But I'm glad I did it. I needed to see them again after not seeing them for three (???) years. And it hurt to say good bye. I drove all night to get home. I knew if I stopped to sleep I wouldn't want to start driving again. I was tired and burned out and just had one thought. I have to get home. Along the trip home it became I have to get home and fuck. When I finally did I almost threw up because my body was so fucked up from lack of sleep and nerves.

I foolishly bottomed at the club Sat night. I was still in charge, but I got a good blow job that sent me sailing high. I needed to relax and enjoy for it bit. It felt great. But then I crashed out bad after that night. I felt it coming on. I went out to eat to try to get rid of it. Just too many feelings were bottled up that needed to get out... But they stayed bottled and I dropped further on Sunday. Sat night I needed after care and the person I was looking for it from wasn't available and the others that I could get it from left like ten mins later. So I was alone...

Yesterday I saw much ado... I enjoyed it. As we left I got a deep sense of forboading and needy and jumbled brain. I couldn't express how much I needed my girl to stay with me. It just wouldn't come out.

I was alone alot as my other girl needed to sleep. I thought I would have to deal with the cat dieing myself. I was still dropped. I was depressed. My personalities were all jumbled.

I held it together. Kind of. I had to...

Yesterday I had a major breakdown and panic attack. The worst of it at walmart. I couldn't find anyone to handle it except for Sarah and Mike. Sarah first. Then Mike when she couldn't hold it together anymore. No skin off his back. But it was hard to "hunt" and shop at the same time. We got out of there without causing any problems. But that "Nigger", as he put it, needed to be cut up. We obviously didn't let him. And we don't think like that. So it was a huge surprise to us. And not... We keep him locked up inside for so many reasons. But we made it home...

Scott sent an email to girl number two he should't have... shit... now we have a mess to clean up around an issue. again... again again again.... We just don't now how to fix it and we are doing worse every week around it.

We were headed to bed when our cat started down the final path to die. So Akhenaten came out to help girl number one through that process. Lots of tears all around...

We didn't get to bed last night due to the timing. And I stayed up to take the cat to be cremated. I almost break down after dropping him off... I just got home.

I should go sleep... I really don't want to. But I was trying to get caught up on my missed sleep from my long trip to WI and back last week... I need to sleep... Too numb to really give a shit right now.

I'm tired of holding it together. I so want to give up.

The new job helps. But I still have to pass the background checks and such. There is stuff I need to be doing for it today that I'm way too tired to do now... I was told on Friday I have three days. I'm hoping that's three business days. I'll deal with it Tue.

I wish saying all this would help. Its not.

Time to go see if I can sleep. Maybe I've shut down the voices enough...

I need to be held... but I'm alone. I'd get girl number one to do it but she has her own shit to handle and is asleep. Not going to wake her...

Everything is going great - new job, divorse is going well, cat isn't suffering anymore - so what is with the lack of emotional control, crying, breakdown of my personalities, and all this mental crap?!

The hunt continues...

Was laid off. Looking for new work.
Getting divorced.

Life is a bit crazy right now and yet I feel really calm about most of it.


I'm working on hunting for work about 75% of the time. Working on a bunch of projects that I have had on my "if I ever have time to do" list. And divorce stuff when I need to as well.



Expressing lots of feelings tonight all over the place...


Next week headed off to see the ex and kids. A bit on edge about it I guess.


3am... I'm finally getting tired. I keep trying to re-adjust back to a "normal" schedule. It's not working...



Learning lots of new IT stuff I haven't had time to do for years. Trying to catch up to where the market is. Feels like I'm in a college crash coarse. Brain is exploding with it a bit...

New Job Hunt

The project I'm on is over... Hunting for a new job.

Lots of breakdowns happening. Lots of crying. Lots of run away emotions.

Trying to build a friendship with girl #2's boyfriend. Feeling one sided about it. Giving it time. 

Lots of fears are clouding our judgement.

Very jumpy brain. We are all over the place.

We talked to a recruiter today. We had trouble answering her questions... Bad...  And we know the answers. We just couldn't get it out right.  Bad head day. :(

We are walking in a fog today...

Playing at the club last night helped something but left us really checked out... I joked yesterday that I should take a day off to burn a floating holiday. Maybe I should have.

I just want to be programming my games. How do I find someone to pay me for that?!

Multiplicity at Con

Last week-end I went to a BDSM Convention. There were some interested events around my head that caused me some "issues".

First issue is that I had sex with some people. As expected, based on how things went the last time I was with someone new, I got really switchy. Turns out lots of us really like jumping in to play with the new person. Some of this is because we are trying to figure out what they want/need and which one of us can meet that best. Some is selfish wanting to play and take care of our needs. There was space for this because I was playing with friends at the time. But it really put a bit warning sign on the raydar for me to play with people I don't know very well. Not sure how to control this one... The merry-go-round starts spinning and I hold on for the ride. While there wasn't any pick-up play around sex for me during this con I also shyed away from looking for it because of my concerns.

Another issue was that I was trying to hold Akhenaten for the con. I kept bouncing between Scott and Akhenaten as normal. But Also jumping over to Rachel a lot and near her while Scott. That frustrated and surprised us. Apparenetly there were lots of needs trying to be met despite us wanting to hold an image. And that gets into our self identity. We want to be known as a Dominant personality. But instead we give off really confusing and mixed signals about what we are. When we have a whip in our hand it's easy. I thought dressing the part would do it. but long hours it all breaks down. We are going to have to come to terms with this reality. We aren't ever going to be top dog in random room x. But we can be top dog in our relationship(s) of those we pull close. Or not as things work out... The switch idea has never worked well with girl #1 and she needs me to be in charge. We also haven't had success with #2 embrasing the idea. So it's a delicate balance with my family vs reality of who we truely are. Maybe we need more feedback about how we are preceived in a room of people. Our self doubts and fears have clouded our judgement on this for too long. Now that Rachel has grown stronger it's bringing back a lot of old fears and concerns around this topic.

Another issue was that while we wanted to do pick up dungeon play we ran into the old issue of not wanting to just ask tons of people. Probably would have asked some people if I knew for sure that is what they were looking for though. So the idea of reading strangers is something that we do a lot of, but we also have further criteria of desiring a connection with that person. I think I could have played more, but in the end I was focused on surviving the week-end and being in a condition to drive home. But this topic raised a lot of conversation in my head around getting what we want. Questions around if we are being too afraid. There is learning from past mistakes and going overboard. Have we?

Another issue is that while Akhenaten was hunting for people to top. Rachel was hunting to be topped. In the end neither really found what they were looking for. Except Akhenaten had a great whipping scene with someone we know. Also had a few good play sessions with girl #2. So it wasn't a total loss around this. We had enough to not feel bad about it.

The biggest surprise was getting an unexpected massage. It raised a lot of barrier questions/issues around why we hold onto so much stress and worry. Around who should be out enjoying the painful event. And some ideas were raised that Scott wanted to do. In fact he looked for her later to do something else with her but never found her at the right time. Too bad she lives so far away.

There were so many opportunities and possibilities available. I find I have to focus on what I did do and achieved so that I don't have a sense of loss for what was missed. Another time. I've got a life time. In the end I made the most of what I wanted to do right then. And that was a special gift to myself. I didn't get everything done I wanted to do. But I did enough to make the event worth while. In the end I felt at home. That means so much to me. That is what I feel every week-end when I'm at the club. This is what I wish everyday of my life could be like. Just normal. Just be us. Let down our false front of just being Scott all the time...

We found on Monday we had already taken off of work and was so glad we had. We felt fine. Yet we had trouble focusing and holding attention on the tv/movies. We had no desire to program or other projects. We wanted to just veg.

This vacation was the first one, I think in my professional life, where I actually left home and did something out of town. It's always sleep in extra and piddle around the house. It was rejuvinating.

I notice a lot of my depression has lifted.