Starting over...

The house continues to work on rules. I'm hoping I can get a set created that I can remember and not piss everyone else or myself off with over time.

Arm pain

So (Yes I'm starting with a prepossession so get over it. Ha!) over the last couple of months my arms has been hurting now and then. It started when I realized Girl 2 was sleeping on it too long. Or if I was working at the computer too much. Or if I would play punching bag too much. Or basically anything that strained it. Well about a month ago or so it started hurting when I did leather work. At first my elbow was hurting. Like bone pain ouch. Then the Forearm started hurting too. That's when I backed off of everything. Then my wrist started hurting and then the shoulder. I figured those last two were just compensation pain. Eventually it all settled into my forarm and wrist. Now the shoulder and elbow aren't hurting. The forearm is hurting a little. But the wrist is hurting a lot. Everything feels like a tight rubber band.

I'm tired of it hurting when I use the mouse.
I'm tired of it hurting when I turn and touch my face.
I'm tired of hurting....

I feel less than the person I am.

This is a glimpse of getting old. I hate it!!!



Today was a good day emotionally.


With the arm pain I'm going to plan B on a bunch of Christmas presents so the expenses are higher than I had planned/calculated for. I have the money but I don't want to spend it... LOL

Rachel update

Rachel continues to be silent, well almost. We have gotten some very bitter comments in the background. But we haven't "fallen" into her coming out or something like that.

Akhenaten and Scott continue to spread across the space and have developed more of a co-sharing position when we aren't at work. A is closer to the surface and we are switching easily now. Most of the time.

A is growing again. We are making a concerted effort to pull back what Beast took since Beast is pure emotion like Rachel. We are fighting to develop a balanced mind and watching that we don't push too black and white.

Things with girl 1 have been improving since she's been trying to serve more and show her support.
Things with girl 2 have been improving but many questions about our future remain unanswered.

We are "good" with MK now. We had a great talk. Tonight will be the first time we've spent any time together since that happened. We'll see how it goes.

Upon reflection most of the issue around MK was that girl 2 took our power away and demanded to be able to have what she wanted. We've pushed Rachel away to let her have that work, but we continue to review just how ok we are with that long term. That our emotions were brushed aside in a M/s situation to the point of refusing to break it off if we commanded it is not acceptable. A slave gives up their rights... Outside relationships were suppose to be at my pleasure not a relationship breaker if I am not good with it.

I know I conceded some rules that I had in place to create a situation I could live with. Those changes created a situation that is now far far from what I've been trying to create as a house. Now I have to decide if being happy with two awesome people that love me is with the cost of yet again not having what I want. I believe I can have what I want. I want it with them. But life isn't following my plan and there are reasons and stuff in the way...

Now I'm so confused as to what rules are in play. And really as a group we've basicly suspended everything and my efforts at re-addressing rules has been rebuffed as doing it wrong or some other bull shit. So flying by the seat of our pants here. Being us in a situation that is fucked up and hoping we don't piss everyone off again because they are more worth having in our life than us being right. But at the end of the day we have to be able to hold our head high and be in charge. They refuse to allow us to be in charge how we expect to be. So while they haven't left me they are not choosing to follow where I lead. Very confusing situation.

If they don't want what I'm offering then lets end it and get our crying done and fix our lifes. But I don't want any of that to happen. I want the vision I set out long ago to come to true. A house where they reconize I'm fucked up. Reconize I'm trying and doing my best. And they still look up to me in spite of my reality. That they live in my fantasy that in one little piece of my life I actually have full control.

Sex and Poly issues may just be the death of our relationships because we can't agree to be full open nor full closed and we can't yet agree on where we are in the middle of all that.

I'm no longer afraid that if they leave me I won't find anyone else. That fear is finally gone. That is growth. I don't desire them to leave me and I want everyone back stronger and more bonded to me than ever.

So I'm floating along enjoying some inner peace now that we've shut up Rachel... For now a rocky boat around here is the calmest we've been inside in ages.

Next major life shit to handle:
a) My arm is more broken than not.
b) divorse

Break downs

Many of them lately. We get so irrational.
We really fucked up our life  this time and hurt too many (more than zero) people this time. :( Big fall out...

Some new insights and possibilities have come from it so not a total waste.

So sorry for all the pain...



Huge change... Rachel basically blended into the background. I suppose we could call her out if we had to, but she's gone. The brian has been so much more stable the last couple days without her constant psycosis getting in the way. But this hurts so bad loosing her. Seems to be the only solution to keeping my family. We had to find a way to fix us. We are awaiting the time test to see if it holds.

More adjustments are happening to fill in the cracks... Hoping that goes well. Sarah is a bit freaked out and hiding a bit.

Not on the same page

Turns out that Rachel breaks really easy. More than any of us she's pure emotion with almost no rationality control. She's rational, but can't really control what she feels. And she feels deeply. She was dealing so well with MK. And now that he's around all the time old feelings are coming back. We can say all day that X is ok but she quickly doesn't feel it and our brain spirals down. So we aren't on the same page internally... Kind of...

If only he wanted to play with us too. It is torture having her wanting someone who doesn't want us. Normally we push those kind of people out of our life and move on. MK we can't. Rather won't. I don't like where this is heading... Again...

X-mas begins

It is funny what will trigger us. Last night we looked at some wrapping paper/gift and had this over whelming urge to rip it open. Next I'm jumping on the bed - kind of and lots of kids songs like the theam song to spider man, batman, lone ranger and other stuff from when we were a kid. Scotty was out... Felt really funny. Not used to it. Then the phone chimed 5 times and it confused him and he ran away.

in the tub...

Often me use tub time to have down time think. We are doing that now and realized that we haven't blogged for a but. So here it goes.

The new job is really stressful. We had a major breakdown recently that left us really broken. We backed off from working extra to take time to heal our mind. But the cost of my break caused ripples to my girls. I'm sorry about that but I also needed their support... So they crashed too. :(  we are mostly back to normal again... I hope.

Really wanting to switch careers or somehow get in a position with less stress... Not sure yet what it will be or look like.

I struggle a lot inside...

Lately beast has been growing in strength and is out more and more at home. Inside  he sits and watches over the new village tbsy was built when we got the new job and relesedd every one from debters prisen. In fact a common view I get is seeing the back of akhenaton, scott, and beast watching the village. So who is looking? Rachel? No because sometimes she blowing one of the guys in our group... So who knows.


Time to get ready to go out...