switchy. it never ends

We've been stressed lately do to many things going on in life. Some good and some broken head stuff. Now after a long time of not hearing from Mike he perked up and wants to play D&D with the new game we are setting up. So we'll see how it goes... We are making a build we he can express some of his desires and personality without life consequences. Hoping for the best....

the big move in

So now we four have moved in together. The is still some getting to know each other and the like. But mostly things have been ok. We all we to like the knew house and it feels good to be out of the old apt. So where do we go from here? Well we are making it up... Divorce being behind me feels good. Taking marriage with girl 1. We are both scared about it. We have both been burned and don't want to go through that again. Out of town this weekend. It will be nice to escape work for a bit. But there is so much to do. I'm slowly realizing that my dream of having a team again probibly won't happen any time soon. I keep getting stressed out at work because I feel powerless and over burdened in the time schedule they have invented. So they see me out if control. I don't know how to keep my emotions in check when I'm stressed out... So many things I want to do at work to make tjubgd better.... But they say there isn't time and have ongoiningly refused to implement my ideas... So thiughts of what might be next cone up.

Moved [Rachel]

So we've moved to a rental house. We've been having lots of break downs away from work and almost not holding it together at work. Stress is horrible lately. Some highlights: Scott had a review at work a few days ago. It was commented that often he is perceived as negative. We just expect a lot from the company we work for and want to make things better and want to avoid mistakes we've seen and try to warn people of the traps they are getting into. But we are misunderstood. And we are negative. They don't pay us to be positive. They pay us to get work done. If they want us to be fake then they are asking us to be who we aren't. Our bi-polor has been really getting in the way since we started there. We are working on salvaging our future there but I'm not sure... Me. I've been out a few times lately when I didn't want to be. It was hard hearing girl 2 say that she loves us when I don't believe she loves me. I had to go away.... Not to be negative here but it is confusing to know how to live now that every thing went down... Mostly Scott and Akhenaten have adjusted to be twins and share move of the out time. Beast seems to pop out a lot lately. A lot of that is the stress and he's still angry so it's been hard to keep him from fucking everything up for A and S. The other day we went shopping and I started getting pulled out but we were with g2 and I didn't want to be out with her. We are tired of her taking over everything with this move and she was doing it with the shopping too. Finally as I was slammed out we had a huge panic attack and I went to the car and cried. Ahenaten got to cut on a couple people last week-end. That lifted his spirits a lot. Things are settling out now that the divorce is done. But brain is still rocky and having lots of trouble knowing K. is moving in soon. We are scared.

They are back :)

Girl 1's personalities are back. Seems a medication knocked them out. (?) Now that med is out of her system and they are back. Seemed tied together. LOL

Rachel is back - well not the same

Rachel had "Ran Away" to go live with Beast. (See other entries for details...)

Well around Christmas time she kept popping up her head saying stuff inside. Eventually we invited her back to the castle. She still isn't part of the front teeter-toddler like before, but she has freedom to speak up more inside now and has been restored to her queen position she had before in the castle.

She's trying hard to stay out of the way and not cause problems.

This has restored some of the emotional off balance our brain has always had. But we just couldn't keep it locked away. It wasn't working... It's kind of better but not "well"...

Maybe medication is needed...

Me brain

I get so tired of my brain being so broken... Lately I've had lots of extreme false thoughts. I've been crying and weeping over the idea of things that aren't even likely to happen. So many fears... So uncontrollable. And once that let up a bit now my brain has been really disjointed and disassociated. It's hard to be "me" because we are all scrambled.

Girl 2 and I seem to be patching things up but everything is still weird and way off of where I want them to be.

I've been really sick from the flu. I seemed to be over it but have started relapsing over the last couple of days. Don't want/like.

Arm seems to slowly be getting better after feeling broken for months.

Working on too many projects. Been focusing mainly on a new "game" I'm developing and divorce paperwork.

At peace [Scott]

This is the first birthday that I can ever remember where I'm not super crabby, depressed, and upset. Feels good to finally feel happy.

Rachel has shown up a few times recently, but mostly is out of the picture. After many days of Akhenaten only I'm getting more Scott time and learning to express what I want too. Both of us are pushing away the "holding back" good boy shit we spent a life time perfecting that disservices us.

We've had some pitfalls in the last couple weeks but big picture we are doing much better all in all.

We hate the road that lead us here. But some of these changes are for the MUCH better in our head. Working on letting go of the pain and anger that got us here.


As a household we've been working on house rules. We are mostly agreeing on them. We have some left to go which in my view are some of harder ones. How we get people advanced from no-sex to sex with condoms and have them okayed. In my fantasy world I get to make all those calls. But the cost of getting my girls buy in too out ranks losing them from my life. Pussy whipped? No. Maybe a little... But 99% of it is that I love them and value their input and feelings. I want us all to be happy.


I'm super sleepy. Off  to watch tv or something... I've been on the edge of switching almost all day and have been a bit lose. It's taken a toll on the brain but we needed some free spin time.


Oh Santa is almost here! Yay! [Scotty]