Welcome Home Scotty

One thing we've been stumped on for a long time is why Scotty has continued to live alone in his dark space. Sure sometimes he'll come out front and crack a joke, or even front some, but he's never been part of the group.

Tonight there was a big rain storm and we stayed up until it passed because we have panic attacks and can't relax from the noise. The thunder specifically, but the hard rain too. Anyways we have been working through a video series and we watched part 2 tonight.

Video is on a closed facebook group or I'd share the link.
(For me: https://www.facebook.com/DavidSnyderNLP/videos/1978111765772636/)


During this video there was a vibration healing/hypnosis/thing...

Anyways we took it on to do self work instead of just listening to it for learning how to do it. We dug inside and quickly realized that Scotty and Scott needed to have some chats. I won't go into details but there were lots of tears as old feelings were finally resolved. And we were left as a group HAPPY. Truly finally a family in our head because Scotty has finally decided to join us. And he's tired of being scared 5 year old Scotty. In an instant he aged to 12. He wants to relive that time period where we made so many mistakes as a do over.

What does this all mean?
What do we do with a near teenager in our head?
What...

Doesn't matter. That is my fears. That is me (Scott) thinking small.

So ya we are estatic to see where all this goes. Happy and free and light and depression free.
(Funny I was listening to a radio show about depression being healed from heat last night. Sort of a theme happening...)

And apparently now we need to buy cinnamon Life cereal for Scotty because that's his request for the shopping list. Weird... ok...

Catch up... I GOT MARRIED!

I doubt anyone is reading this. But some catch up. I dismissed girl 1. That situation was hurting us too much. Nothing like looking at leaving town after being layed off and realizing that I didn't want to take her with me. In the end I didn't leave town but it was a wake up call. We did the uncomfortable and broke things off. Will miss our little in that system but the big picture was NOT working as we wanted. Girl 2 and her other bf broke up and seperated. Girl 2 and I never parted ways and got close again after it was just us. 2/24/2017 Girl 2 and I got MARRIED! Yay!!! Now Girl 2 is Girl 1. :) --- I now have a new gf now. Trying to learn and follow lessons from other experiences and not hurt her in the process of applying those lessons. It's been weird. I make it weird... I'm weird... LOL

The job thing - again

So life throws punches. Work is closing out the office here now that the contract we were doing was cancelled. It is interesting to see so many people interested in talking to me vs last time. Nashville is in a big upswing with java development lately. Good to see. Where the next job will be. I haven't decided yet. Maybe now is a good time to clean house and start my life over again. Maybe... But I've learned some leasons about how hard it is to find people that match on things around my MPD, my sexual desires, wants, and needs. I don't like the constant fighting. But I feel understood most of the time. The collar has come off girl 2. She just couldn't live with it on anymore. Akhenaten is crushed. Scott's like, well some of the stuff we couldn't have to keep the mindset of roles in place can be had now... But it's still confusing. I want everything to go happy. I also miss not having evening time to work on my leather and game development. But the trade off of having the BDSM club and girl 2 in my life has way outweighed those wants. I don't want this change right now. I don't want to have to think about this. I was just getting happy with how life was going. Looking to start paying off some old bills. Looking to get some dental and vision stuff handled. Now everything is on hold yet again. I'm happy that I'm not stopped this time. I'm feeling some extra depression. But the anxiety being under control from the meds is making it a bit easier to manage the extra stress.

much has happened

So many things have happened since I last wrote... Lots of emotional pain. The anti-anxiety meds are helping a lot. But we get so many feelings it can't help with. So I'm writing today because yesterday they announced this project is cancelled. Looking like I'll have three weeks of employment and then two weeks of severance. Today I've applied for two positions. One remote based and one in Cincinnati. Looking at others too. That is with my same company. I'm planning to look at other companies locally soon too. My kids are upset because their grandma is dieing. (bone cancer.) I feel so helpless to help them. Even if they were close to me I couldn't help them with this other than provide hugs. Wish I could...

Dr Update

I finally made a Dr appointment and it's tomorrow. Kind of scared. Shouldn't be. But nervious feelings are there because I'm finally going to "come clean" about my DID to a Dr... But I've got to get some med that will work long term.

Dr search contunues

Still hunting. Moving on to second choice list. Good weekend but still hurting in my head about things that have been said and the physical impact that left in my head. Headaches continue. Endless chatter inside continues. Rehashing old conversations agnosium continues. I just want to be happy...

Searching for a SHRINK

So a multitue of issues around sex, sleep, relationships, etc has me looking for: * MD * Shrink * Eurologiest Oy how did all this sneak up on me? Oh ya I disasociate... And minimilize stuff. And think it's others. And... Ya I'm fucked up right now :(