Dr Update

I finally made a Dr appointment and it's tomorrow. Kind of scared. Shouldn't be. But nervious feelings are there because I'm finally going to "come clean" about my DID to a Dr... But I've got to get some med that will work long term.

Dr search contunues

Still hunting. Moving on to second choice list. Good weekend but still hurting in my head about things that have been said and the physical impact that left in my head. Headaches continue. Endless chatter inside continues. Rehashing old conversations agnosium continues. I just want to be happy...

Searching for a SHRINK

So a multitue of issues around sex, sleep, relationships, etc has me looking for: * MD * Shrink * Eurologiest Oy how did all this sneak up on me? Oh ya I disasociate... And minimilize stuff. And think it's others. And... Ya I'm fucked up right now :(

Megga breakdowns

I've been trying to come up with a list of "stuff" to work with a doctor about. It's printed out now. Yesterday and today attempts to call the preferred doctor have failed due to lack of answering their phone. :( So Plan B... We are really depressed right now and it's getting darker... Which pushes every one around me down. Big cluster fuck that. Big misunderstandings this last week-end has put the whole house into iminent breakup. And that isn't ok. I need my family to trust me and believe I'm looking out for the big picture and not just myself. Because I am. I also need to have needs met before I'm ok with people leaving for an week... And so it goes. Yet another thing where I'm trying to make sure I have what I need to survive and I'm the bad guy. Everything is great as long as we are serving them. Well no that doesn't work either we should be in charge. Wait we show we are in charge and there are fights. No matter what there are fights. Hating this reality. I was so happy that we weren't upset about this vacation thing. Not jelious about it. Just needing to stage things so that we could get through it in a happy way. That was sabitaged. And yet we are still mostly ok with this trip thing. But NOT ok with the last of trust shown to me and blaming me for not giving what I was going to give but couldn't because they weren't trusting/playing with me. Did I push too far Sat morning? Probibly. But at the same time I get pushed to have to accept things I don't want all the time or I can't keep my girl. And I've been letting her get away with it because I want her to be happy. But I need to be happy too and I need my needs taken care of before she goes off to take care of his. Work took my big project away from me and gave it to my team lead. I'm off to do other stuff now. So presure is off a bit. And yet I can't believe this is a good thing. This is a good read about poly-relationships: http://solopoly.net/2014/07/12/invisible-fences-fuzzy-landmines/

frantic and peace

Life lately has been really crazy as various stresses have come up. The tight money, moving, sicknesses, WORK... Girl number 1 was out of meds for a while. Oy that is hard. Finally got them again. While she was off of them that spun need down. Then girl 2 spun down. Then bad news about her dad. I started having lots of panic attacks, extreme thoughts, anxiety, break downs all over and of course lots of switching because that is what we do. Even started to feel like others were starting to show up... That and Rachel is more gone again. So ya.... Now both girls are on meds and I'm nice and calm and relaxed even in the face of work getting really hard at the moment. I've been chossing to be happy. Often choosing isn't available and I'm very much in my default whiny self. No one likes that... So I've been enjoying it. Sure there have beensome little breakdowns. But manageable. So we've been thinking of going on medication for out panic attacks, bipolor mood swings, extreme emotions and. Well not sure what all. The falicy would be that while we are feeling good to say we don't need it. But maybe right now is the good time to seek it out while we are with it enough to talk about it in stead of hiding. We sure don't want to be drugged up, but we are sick of hurtibg over stuff we can't control and don't want but have to have in our life. Almost Dads birthday Almost missed my sons birthday. I still cant believe I have a son... I so didn't want it that I have to stop myself from disasociating about him. That's fucked up. I miss my boy in girl 2 and miss the fun times we used to have. and others in her. I'm trying to be patient but they are missed. My girlfriend and I worked some stuff out and are talking a lot again. So scheduling a third is stupid hard...

Lots of depression, worry, and such [Scott]

I've found that more and more often lately I'm depressed. It isn't a problem... And yet my bi-polor symptoms have been getting a lot worse lately. I've been really upset and all over the place with my emotions. Lots of us have been coming out lately. I know it seems like I only blog when things are bad. But I guess that is when I remember this is hear and try to use it to get shit out of my head as a "flush". Sometimes it helps. I found Scotty out last night, strongly influncing us today, and going to be out again tonight. Since we're sleeping alone that should be fine. Felt funny sucking my thumb last night. He seems to be a bit regressed. We are worried for girl 2. Her dad is dying. I can't be there for her and despretly wish I could be. My monitor is getting strobe lighty and dieing... Yet another expense to worry about. My oldest kid asked me to take out a college loan. How the hell can I afford that? There is other news: The new house is working out ok. Except I felt ignored frequently. Adjustments are uncomfortable. I wanted more of her time and now I get less. But she's happier it seems. I need to learn to be more proactive with scheduling "us" time now rather than assuming her attention will be on me. It's never worked the way I wanted anyways... Work will keep going for a while yet. The new guy I've been training had to go home to CA to find some paperwork so he can be hired. So now I've had to raise the question of if passwords need to be changed or is he coming back? Lots of projects to do. I should go let Scotty out. He's been pushing for it for hours.

new guy

There is a new guy at work that I'm doing some training for and transitioning some of my work that never should have been mine. Never before have I seen such a stark separation of Scott vs Akhenaten when dealing with people at work. No wonder we've never really been promoted in to management with every one seeing Scott. So we've given up trying at a level. It is refreshing to have a sense of having someone work for me again. I really miss having teams working for me. A bit sick and brain jumbled this morning about this and stuff.

work

Someone died at work. Seems like we should be sad but we aren't. Wouldn't wish it one here but we weren't close...

peace broke again

Wish I had medication sometimes to make these thoughts easier for the things I can't control.

peace

It is nice to feel for a change.

vacation

I just got back from vacation. So happy and calm right now. Feeling work chipping at it already.

switchy. it never ends

We've been stressed lately do to many things going on in life. Some good and some broken head stuff. Now after a long time of not hearing from Mike he perked up and wants to play D&D with the new game we are setting up. So we'll see how it goes... We are making a build we he can express some of his desires and personality without life consequences. Hoping for the best....

the big move in

So now we four have moved in together. The is still some getting to know each other and the like. But mostly things have been ok. We all we to like the knew house and it feels good to be out of the old apt. So where do we go from here? Well we are making it up... Divorce being behind me feels good. Taking marriage with girl 1. We are both scared about it. We have both been burned and don't want to go through that again. Out of town this weekend. It will be nice to escape work for a bit. But there is so much to do. I'm slowly realizing that my dream of having a team again probibly won't happen any time soon. I keep getting stressed out at work because I feel powerless and over burdened in the time schedule they have invented. So they see me out if control. I don't know how to keep my emotions in check when I'm stressed out... So many things I want to do at work to make tjubgd better.... But they say there isn't time and have ongoiningly refused to implement my ideas... So thiughts of what might be next cone up.

Moved [Rachel]

So we've moved to a rental house. We've been having lots of break downs away from work and almost not holding it together at work. Stress is horrible lately. Some highlights: Scott had a review at work a few days ago. It was commented that often he is perceived as negative. We just expect a lot from the company we work for and want to make things better and want to avoid mistakes we've seen and try to warn people of the traps they are getting into. But we are misunderstood. And we are negative. They don't pay us to be positive. They pay us to get work done. If they want us to be fake then they are asking us to be who we aren't. Our bi-polor has been really getting in the way since we started there. We are working on salvaging our future there but I'm not sure... Me. I've been out a few times lately when I didn't want to be. It was hard hearing girl 2 say that she loves us when I don't believe she loves me. I had to go away.... Not to be negative here but it is confusing to know how to live now that every thing went down... Mostly Scott and Akhenaten have adjusted to be twins and share move of the out time. Beast seems to pop out a lot lately. A lot of that is the stress and he's still angry so it's been hard to keep him from fucking everything up for A and S. The other day we went shopping and I started getting pulled out but we were with g2 and I didn't want to be out with her. We are tired of her taking over everything with this move and she was doing it with the shopping too. Finally as I was slammed out we had a huge panic attack and I went to the car and cried. Ahenaten got to cut on a couple people last week-end. That lifted his spirits a lot. Things are settling out now that the divorce is done. But brain is still rocky and having lots of trouble knowing K. is moving in soon. We are scared.

They are back :)

Girl 1's personalities are back. Seems a medication knocked them out. (?) Now that med is out of her system and they are back. Seemed tied together. LOL

Rachel is back - well not the same

Rachel had "Ran Away" to go live with Beast. (See other entries for details...)

Well around Christmas time she kept popping up her head saying stuff inside. Eventually we invited her back to the castle. She still isn't part of the front teeter-toddler like before, but she has freedom to speak up more inside now and has been restored to her queen position she had before in the castle.

She's trying hard to stay out of the way and not cause problems.

This has restored some of the emotional off balance our brain has always had. But we just couldn't keep it locked away. It wasn't working... It's kind of better but not "well"...

Maybe medication is needed...

Me brain

I get so tired of my brain being so broken... Lately I've had lots of extreme false thoughts. I've been crying and weeping over the idea of things that aren't even likely to happen. So many fears... So uncontrollable. And once that let up a bit now my brain has been really disjointed and disassociated. It's hard to be "me" because we are all scrambled.

Girl 2 and I seem to be patching things up but everything is still weird and way off of where I want them to be.

I've been really sick from the flu. I seemed to be over it but have started relapsing over the last couple of days. Don't want/like.

Arm seems to slowly be getting better after feeling broken for months.

Working on too many projects. Been focusing mainly on a new "game" I'm developing and divorce paperwork.