Megga breakdowns

I've been trying to come up with a list of "stuff" to work with a doctor about. It's printed out now. Yesterday and today attempts to call the preferred doctor have failed due to lack of answering their phone. :( So Plan B... We are really depressed right now and it's getting darker... Which pushes every one around me down. Big cluster fuck that. Big misunderstandings this last week-end has put the whole house into iminent breakup. And that isn't ok. I need my family to trust me and believe I'm looking out for the big picture and not just myself. Because I am. I also need to have needs met before I'm ok with people leaving for an week... And so it goes. Yet another thing where I'm trying to make sure I have what I need to survive and I'm the bad guy. Everything is great as long as we are serving them. Well no that doesn't work either we should be in charge. Wait we show we are in charge and there are fights. No matter what there are fights. Hating this reality. I was so happy that we weren't upset about this vacation thing. Not jelious about it. Just needing to stage things so that we could get through it in a happy way. That was sabitaged. And yet we are still mostly ok with this trip thing. But NOT ok with the last of trust shown to me and blaming me for not giving what I was going to give but couldn't because they weren't trusting/playing with me. Did I push too far Sat morning? Probibly. But at the same time I get pushed to have to accept things I don't want all the time or I can't keep my girl. And I've been letting her get away with it because I want her to be happy. But I need to be happy too and I need my needs taken care of before she goes off to take care of his. Work took my big project away from me and gave it to my team lead. I'm off to do other stuff now. So presure is off a bit. And yet I can't believe this is a good thing. This is a good read about poly-relationships: http://solopoly.net/2014/07/12/invisible-fences-fuzzy-landmines/

frantic and peace

Life lately has been really crazy as various stresses have come up. The tight money, moving, sicknesses, WORK... Girl number 1 was out of meds for a while. Oy that is hard. Finally got them again. While she was off of them that spun need down. Then girl 2 spun down. Then bad news about her dad. I started having lots of panic attacks, extreme thoughts, anxiety, break downs all over and of course lots of switching because that is what we do. Even started to feel like others were starting to show up... That and Rachel is more gone again. So ya.... Now both girls are on meds and I'm nice and calm and relaxed even in the face of work getting really hard at the moment. I've been chossing to be happy. Often choosing isn't available and I'm very much in my default whiny self. No one likes that... So I've been enjoying it. Sure there have beensome little breakdowns. But manageable. So we've been thinking of going on medication for out panic attacks, bipolor mood swings, extreme emotions and. Well not sure what all. The falicy would be that while we are feeling good to say we don't need it. But maybe right now is the good time to seek it out while we are with it enough to talk about it in stead of hiding. We sure don't want to be drugged up, but we are sick of hurtibg over stuff we can't control and don't want but have to have in our life. Almost Dads birthday Almost missed my sons birthday. I still cant believe I have a son... I so didn't want it that I have to stop myself from disasociating about him. That's fucked up. I miss my boy in girl 2 and miss the fun times we used to have. and others in her. I'm trying to be patient but they are missed. My girlfriend and I worked some stuff out and are talking a lot again. So scheduling a third is stupid hard...

Lots of depression, worry, and such [Scott]

I've found that more and more often lately I'm depressed. It isn't a problem... And yet my bi-polor symptoms have been getting a lot worse lately. I've been really upset and all over the place with my emotions. Lots of us have been coming out lately. I know it seems like I only blog when things are bad. But I guess that is when I remember this is hear and try to use it to get shit out of my head as a "flush". Sometimes it helps. I found Scotty out last night, strongly influncing us today, and going to be out again tonight. Since we're sleeping alone that should be fine. Felt funny sucking my thumb last night. He seems to be a bit regressed. We are worried for girl 2. Her dad is dying. I can't be there for her and despretly wish I could be. My monitor is getting strobe lighty and dieing... Yet another expense to worry about. My oldest kid asked me to take out a college loan. How the hell can I afford that? There is other news: The new house is working out ok. Except I felt ignored frequently. Adjustments are uncomfortable. I wanted more of her time and now I get less. But she's happier it seems. I need to learn to be more proactive with scheduling "us" time now rather than assuming her attention will be on me. It's never worked the way I wanted anyways... Work will keep going for a while yet. The new guy I've been training had to go home to CA to find some paperwork so he can be hired. So now I've had to raise the question of if passwords need to be changed or is he coming back? Lots of projects to do. I should go let Scotty out. He's been pushing for it for hours.

new guy

There is a new guy at work that I'm doing some training for and transitioning some of my work that never should have been mine. Never before have I seen such a stark separation of Scott vs Akhenaten when dealing with people at work. No wonder we've never really been promoted in to management with every one seeing Scott. So we've given up trying at a level. It is refreshing to have a sense of having someone work for me again. I really miss having teams working for me. A bit sick and brain jumbled this morning about this and stuff.

work

Someone died at work. Seems like we should be sad but we aren't. Wouldn't wish it one here but we weren't close...

peace broke again

Wish I had medication sometimes to make these thoughts easier for the things I can't control.

peace

It is nice to feel for a change.