The job thing - again

So life throws punches. Work is closing out the office here now that the contract we were doing was cancelled. It is interesting to see so many people interested in talking to me vs last time. Nashville is in a big upswing with java development lately. Good to see. Where the next job will be. I haven't decided yet. Maybe now is a good time to clean house and start my life over again. Maybe... But I've learned some leasons about how hard it is to find people that match on things around my MPD, my sexual desires, wants, and needs. I don't like the constant fighting. But I feel understood most of the time. The collar has come off girl 2. She just couldn't live with it on anymore. Akhenaten is crushed. Scott's like, well some of the stuff we couldn't have to keep the mindset of roles in place can be had now... But it's still confusing. I want everything to go happy. I also miss not having evening time to work on my leather and game development. But the trade off of having the BDSM club and girl 2 in my life has way outweighed those wants. I don't want this change right now. I don't want to have to think about this. I was just getting happy with how life was going. Looking to start paying off some old bills. Looking to get some dental and vision stuff handled. Now everything is on hold yet again. I'm happy that I'm not stopped this time. I'm feeling some extra depression. But the anxiety being under control from the meds is making it a bit easier to manage the extra stress.

much has happened

So many things have happened since I last wrote... Lots of emotional pain. The anti-anxiety meds are helping a lot. But we get so many feelings it can't help with. So I'm writing today because yesterday they announced this project is cancelled. Looking like I'll have three weeks of employment and then two weeks of severance. Today I've applied for two positions. One remote based and one in Cincinnati. Looking at others too. That is with my same company. I'm planning to look at other companies locally soon too. My kids are upset because their grandma is dieing. (bone cancer.) I feel so helpless to help them. Even if they were close to me I couldn't help them with this other than provide hugs. Wish I could...

Dr Update

I finally made a Dr appointment and it's tomorrow. Kind of scared. Shouldn't be. But nervious feelings are there because I'm finally going to "come clean" about my DID to a Dr... But I've got to get some med that will work long term.

Dr search contunues

Still hunting. Moving on to second choice list. Good weekend but still hurting in my head about things that have been said and the physical impact that left in my head. Headaches continue. Endless chatter inside continues. Rehashing old conversations agnosium continues. I just want to be happy...

Searching for a SHRINK

So a multitue of issues around sex, sleep, relationships, etc has me looking for: * MD * Shrink * Eurologiest Oy how did all this sneak up on me? Oh ya I disasociate... And minimilize stuff. And think it's others. And... Ya I'm fucked up right now :(

Megga breakdowns

I've been trying to come up with a list of "stuff" to work with a doctor about. It's printed out now. Yesterday and today attempts to call the preferred doctor have failed due to lack of answering their phone. :( So Plan B... We are really depressed right now and it's getting darker... Which pushes every one around me down. Big cluster fuck that. Big misunderstandings this last week-end has put the whole house into iminent breakup. And that isn't ok. I need my family to trust me and believe I'm looking out for the big picture and not just myself. Because I am. I also need to have needs met before I'm ok with people leaving for an week... And so it goes. Yet another thing where I'm trying to make sure I have what I need to survive and I'm the bad guy. Everything is great as long as we are serving them. Well no that doesn't work either we should be in charge. Wait we show we are in charge and there are fights. No matter what there are fights. Hating this reality. I was so happy that we weren't upset about this vacation thing. Not jelious about it. Just needing to stage things so that we could get through it in a happy way. That was sabitaged. And yet we are still mostly ok with this trip thing. But NOT ok with the last of trust shown to me and blaming me for not giving what I was going to give but couldn't because they weren't trusting/playing with me. Did I push too far Sat morning? Probibly. But at the same time I get pushed to have to accept things I don't want all the time or I can't keep my girl. And I've been letting her get away with it because I want her to be happy. But I need to be happy too and I need my needs taken care of before she goes off to take care of his. Work took my big project away from me and gave it to my team lead. I'm off to do other stuff now. So presure is off a bit. And yet I can't believe this is a good thing. This is a good read about poly-relationships: http://solopoly.net/2014/07/12/invisible-fences-fuzzy-landmines/

frantic and peace

Life lately has been really crazy as various stresses have come up. The tight money, moving, sicknesses, WORK... Girl number 1 was out of meds for a while. Oy that is hard. Finally got them again. While she was off of them that spun need down. Then girl 2 spun down. Then bad news about her dad. I started having lots of panic attacks, extreme thoughts, anxiety, break downs all over and of course lots of switching because that is what we do. Even started to feel like others were starting to show up... That and Rachel is more gone again. So ya.... Now both girls are on meds and I'm nice and calm and relaxed even in the face of work getting really hard at the moment. I've been chossing to be happy. Often choosing isn't available and I'm very much in my default whiny self. No one likes that... So I've been enjoying it. Sure there have beensome little breakdowns. But manageable. So we've been thinking of going on medication for out panic attacks, bipolor mood swings, extreme emotions and. Well not sure what all. The falicy would be that while we are feeling good to say we don't need it. But maybe right now is the good time to seek it out while we are with it enough to talk about it in stead of hiding. We sure don't want to be drugged up, but we are sick of hurtibg over stuff we can't control and don't want but have to have in our life. Almost Dads birthday Almost missed my sons birthday. I still cant believe I have a son... I so didn't want it that I have to stop myself from disasociating about him. That's fucked up. I miss my boy in girl 2 and miss the fun times we used to have. and others in her. I'm trying to be patient but they are missed. My girlfriend and I worked some stuff out and are talking a lot again. So scheduling a third is stupid hard...