Multiplicity at Con

Last week-end I went to a BDSM Convention. There were some interested events around my head that caused me some "issues".

First issue is that I had sex with some people. As expected, based on how things went the last time I was with someone new, I got really switchy. Turns out lots of us really like jumping in to play with the new person. Some of this is because we are trying to figure out what they want/need and which one of us can meet that best. Some is selfish wanting to play and take care of our needs. There was space for this because I was playing with friends at the time. But it really put a bit warning sign on the raydar for me to play with people I don't know very well. Not sure how to control this one... The merry-go-round starts spinning and I hold on for the ride. While there wasn't any pick-up play around sex for me during this con I also shyed away from looking for it because of my concerns.

Another issue was that I was trying to hold Akhenaten for the con. I kept bouncing between Scott and Akhenaten as normal. But Also jumping over to Rachel a lot and near her while Scott. That frustrated and surprised us. Apparenetly there were lots of needs trying to be met despite us wanting to hold an image. And that gets into our self identity. We want to be known as a Dominant personality. But instead we give off really confusing and mixed signals about what we are. When we have a whip in our hand it's easy. I thought dressing the part would do it. but long hours it all breaks down. We are going to have to come to terms with this reality. We aren't ever going to be top dog in random room x. But we can be top dog in our relationship(s) of those we pull close. Or not as things work out... The switch idea has never worked well with girl #1 and she needs me to be in charge. We also haven't had success with #2 embrasing the idea. So it's a delicate balance with my family vs reality of who we truely are. Maybe we need more feedback about how we are preceived in a room of people. Our self doubts and fears have clouded our judgement on this for too long. Now that Rachel has grown stronger it's bringing back a lot of old fears and concerns around this topic.

Another issue was that while we wanted to do pick up dungeon play we ran into the old issue of not wanting to just ask tons of people. Probably would have asked some people if I knew for sure that is what they were looking for though. So the idea of reading strangers is something that we do a lot of, but we also have further criteria of desiring a connection with that person. I think I could have played more, but in the end I was focused on surviving the week-end and being in a condition to drive home. But this topic raised a lot of conversation in my head around getting what we want. Questions around if we are being too afraid. There is learning from past mistakes and going overboard. Have we?

Another issue is that while Akhenaten was hunting for people to top. Rachel was hunting to be topped. In the end neither really found what they were looking for. Except Akhenaten had a great whipping scene with someone we know. Also had a few good play sessions with girl #2. So it wasn't a total loss around this. We had enough to not feel bad about it.

The biggest surprise was getting an unexpected massage. It raised a lot of barrier questions/issues around why we hold onto so much stress and worry. Around who should be out enjoying the painful event. And some ideas were raised that Scott wanted to do. In fact he looked for her later to do something else with her but never found her at the right time. Too bad she lives so far away.

There were so many opportunities and possibilities available. I find I have to focus on what I did do and achieved so that I don't have a sense of loss for what was missed. Another time. I've got a life time. In the end I made the most of what I wanted to do right then. And that was a special gift to myself. I didn't get everything done I wanted to do. But I did enough to make the event worth while. In the end I felt at home. That means so much to me. That is what I feel every week-end when I'm at the club. This is what I wish everyday of my life could be like. Just normal. Just be us. Let down our false front of just being Scott all the time...

We found on Monday we had already taken off of work and was so glad we had. We felt fine. Yet we had trouble focusing and holding attention on the tv/movies. We had no desire to program or other projects. We wanted to just veg.

This vacation was the first one, I think in my professional life, where I actually left home and did something out of town. It's always sleep in extra and piddle around the house. It was rejuvinating.

I notice a lot of my depression has lifted.