Mental State in Flux

Today...
I have the best girlfriend ever! She modified her date to take care of my mental state. It did wonders for my mental state, health, and our relationship. I had been feeling that she wasn't paying attention to what I need. I tried to let her go ahead with her plans knowing my feelings were lieing to me. But she saw through me and stayed and helped me instead. That is what I was really needing from her.

There has been so many stress items building that I really needed to vent. They don't feel or looks so big today. Yesterday I was feeling suicidal. Today, no fricking way! I've got so much going for me and I can handle this other stuff. I just needed a melt down for a bit.

Her date actually came over to spend the night with us and we had lots of cuddles and fun sexy times. That helped too!!!

Rachel seems to pop out big time whenever he is around. I have a mild concern that it will tip the dynamic in the long term. That might be ok... I'm worrying about how I'm viewed instead of living...

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Yesterday at lunch time I wrote:

I've been extra needy lately. I feel like I just can't get enough re-affirmation and attention. This happens when I'm feeling really out of control. I feel very out of control lately because I'm having trouble holding it all together. My needs, Scott's needs, and Rachel's needs are so different and incompatible. My poor girls just don't know what to do with us. What they can do is give lots of attention and hugs and cuddles and reaffirm our closeness.

Not so easy with girl #1 lately due to what she is dealing with internally. That is part of what I am spinning and responding to. Our dynamic has been ripped apart slowly over years of time and the final rip recently has made it so that I just don't know where I stand with them anymore. We kissed, just fast pecks, for the first time in ages last night. I wanted so much to grab her up and do so much more. But I left the room... She still isn't ready for me...

Girl #2 can't be everything I need. I don't expect her to be.

And internally Akhenaten doesn't trust Scott anymore. Or any of us after the point our brain should be a sleep and we aren't. The filter of caring about safety and doing the right thing leaves when our base sex side takes over. We're really struggling to keep #2 safe until we know we aren't infected.

There is the fear of what if we are then what. We know we have to wait and see what it is and what the "fix is" if there is one. We are so scared of loosing her. So I'm getting extra clingy...

Tonight #2 is off to sleep in another bed and I am really struggling with it. I need her with me right now. I'm not stable enough for this. I want to be. I say I am. But why am I crying about spending the night alone? Sure I've got a billion things I need to do around my business and whip projects. But ... in the end I'll be alone. I don't want to make her feel bad for wanting to be with another. But I need my girl... And I can't say it. I don't want to be jelious. It's not that. But I can see how it would look that way. It's me needing my needs taken care of and they aren't. But I don't know that she can. I just know it helps a lot having her near and telling me she still loves me.

I'm hurting. scared. breaking down all over. Sitting at my desk crying at work.

I'm not ok...

I'm not putting it all back together.

I fucked up and I can't fix it.

Every time I put on that condom I am reminded how I can't trust myself.

Every time I want to skip the condom I am reminded how I can't trust myself.

I had created a safety net of a relationship where I could be be. No fear to have sex. And freedom to be fulling engaged full time. We destroyed that. Now we are lost and scared and lonely even with people beside us because we can't be full in.

Our safety is lost. Now we are jumping around irradically. It is a struggle just to make it through the depression and day. I'm amazed we are getting any work done. Today we aren't. Lots of thoughts and fears. Lots of distraction. The voices are super loud and music just won't quit them. Too much work too do. Too overwhelming. Too many thoughts....

This is way beyond the physical aspect of sexual pleasure. I've fucked up my brain and I, we, don't know what to do in this waiting space...

3/11 we have a doctors appointment. We'll see what the tests say and go from there. For now... we weep.


I no longer trust us so how can anyone else?

Condoms suck

That is all.

Crying

HATE CRYING...

This antibiotic seems to have first made me very angry. I stopped it. Planned to recenter. then forgot about it for a few days. Now that I'm taking it again I'm feeling very alone, scared, left out, and crying easily. So it seems to amplify emotions in me a lot. What every way I'm tilting it is amplifying. :(


So what I know is that what I'm feeling is a lie. Sure feels real at the time.

I know I'm making things bigger than they are and I'm trying to keep it sane as I can.

Beast - tid bits

Lately Beast has been growing and coming out more.

Sometimes it is a help. Like yesterday when we were driving everyone was having trouble focusing on the road but there wasn't a rest stop or exit anywhere around. We tried several people but the body was just super tired and nothing was working. Then we used Beast to supplement  We sat up straighter instantly and the road suddenly was in clear focus. It was a fight to hold him in place, but we got to a rest stop and normally would have shut down the vehicle and gone to sleep instantly  We. I. kept us going enough to go pee and then crashed hard for a while.

Beast can't seem to be kept away if we are having sex anymore...

Beast is very chewy. Our teeth can't handle it...

Beast has trouble talking. Our voice just won't go low enough. He's also very growly which leaves the lyrnix hurting.

Beast seems to have moments of great eye sight. Better than the rest of us. Even magnified one time. (Couldn't do that on purpose later though...)

Beast's eye are a lot more tunnel visioned.

Protector Fail - NSFW

This is Akhenaten... Extra adult sexual content warning here... NSFW

New resume - new projects - need more time

I've been working on a new resume to push my career in a new direction. I've added in a new project I haven't even done yet. I'm excited to do this new project. It is needed for my business. Hopefully it takes me in a good direction in my career too. But even more I hope it makes my business take off.

Sooo....  I am looking at my availability to work on my business and it's hard to do everything. I'm going to have to start cutting out some of my fun extras. Damn it. :)

I am starting to get some new defects on my existing products. Using BugSense has really been worth the price from that perspective.


I also keep hearing Sarah lamenting how we still don't have a fiddle... She comes and goes. Some days I see her in the hall playing alone with the music we are listening to. Other days the hall is empty. She's a real tough bitch and doesn't seem to like to come out. Seems if she does it's normally when we are alone.


Akhenaten is wishing for lots of leather to braid whips with. We just can't afford it and are still learning. So for now paracord is a good solution to practice on. But... ya we need the real thing.


I'm just so fet up with work. I'm starting to wonder if something illegal is happening here at work...

Just tired of being tired....