At peace [Scott]

This is the first birthday that I can ever remember where I'm not super crabby, depressed, and upset. Feels good to finally feel happy.

Rachel has shown up a few times recently, but mostly is out of the picture. After many days of Akhenaten only I'm getting more Scott time and learning to express what I want too. Both of us are pushing away the "holding back" good boy shit we spent a life time perfecting that disservices us.

We've had some pitfalls in the last couple weeks but big picture we are doing much better all in all.

We hate the road that lead us here. But some of these changes are for the MUCH better in our head. Working on letting go of the pain and anger that got us here.


As a household we've been working on house rules. We are mostly agreeing on them. We have some left to go which in my view are some of harder ones. How we get people advanced from no-sex to sex with condoms and have them okayed. In my fantasy world I get to make all those calls. But the cost of getting my girls buy in too out ranks losing them from my life. Pussy whipped? No. Maybe a little... But 99% of it is that I love them and value their input and feelings. I want us all to be happy.


I'm super sleepy. Off  to watch tv or something... I've been on the edge of switching almost all day and have been a bit lose. It's taken a toll on the brain but we needed some free spin time.


Oh Santa is almost here! Yay! [Scotty]

Starting over...

The house continues to work on rules. I'm hoping I can get a set created that I can remember and not piss everyone else or myself off with over time.

Arm pain

So (Yes I'm starting with a prepossession so get over it. Ha!) over the last couple of months my arms has been hurting now and then. It started when I realized Girl 2 was sleeping on it too long. Or if I was working at the computer too much. Or if I would play punching bag too much. Or basically anything that strained it. Well about a month ago or so it started hurting when I did leather work. At first my elbow was hurting. Like bone pain ouch. Then the Forearm started hurting too. That's when I backed off of everything. Then my wrist started hurting and then the shoulder. I figured those last two were just compensation pain. Eventually it all settled into my forarm and wrist. Now the shoulder and elbow aren't hurting. The forearm is hurting a little. But the wrist is hurting a lot. Everything feels like a tight rubber band.

I'm tired of it hurting when I use the mouse.
I'm tired of it hurting when I turn and touch my face.
I'm tired of hurting....

I feel less than the person I am.

This is a glimpse of getting old. I hate it!!!



Today was a good day emotionally.


With the arm pain I'm going to plan B on a bunch of Christmas presents so the expenses are higher than I had planned/calculated for. I have the money but I don't want to spend it... LOL

Rachel update

Rachel continues to be silent, well almost. We have gotten some very bitter comments in the background. But we haven't "fallen" into her coming out or something like that.

Akhenaten and Scott continue to spread across the space and have developed more of a co-sharing position when we aren't at work. A is closer to the surface and we are switching easily now. Most of the time.

A is growing again. We are making a concerted effort to pull back what Beast took since Beast is pure emotion like Rachel. We are fighting to develop a balanced mind and watching that we don't push too black and white.

Things with girl 1 have been improving since she's been trying to serve more and show her support.
Things with girl 2 have been improving but many questions about our future remain unanswered.

We are "good" with MK now. We had a great talk. Tonight will be the first time we've spent any time together since that happened. We'll see how it goes.

Upon reflection most of the issue around MK was that girl 2 took our power away and demanded to be able to have what she wanted. We've pushed Rachel away to let her have that work, but we continue to review just how ok we are with that long term. That our emotions were brushed aside in a M/s situation to the point of refusing to break it off if we commanded it is not acceptable. A slave gives up their rights... Outside relationships were suppose to be at my pleasure not a relationship breaker if I am not good with it.

I know I conceded some rules that I had in place to create a situation I could live with. Those changes created a situation that is now far far from what I've been trying to create as a house. Now I have to decide if being happy with two awesome people that love me is with the cost of yet again not having what I want. I believe I can have what I want. I want it with them. But life isn't following my plan and there are reasons and stuff in the way...

Now I'm so confused as to what rules are in play. And really as a group we've basicly suspended everything and my efforts at re-addressing rules has been rebuffed as doing it wrong or some other bull shit. So flying by the seat of our pants here. Being us in a situation that is fucked up and hoping we don't piss everyone off again because they are more worth having in our life than us being right. But at the end of the day we have to be able to hold our head high and be in charge. They refuse to allow us to be in charge how we expect to be. So while they haven't left me they are not choosing to follow where I lead. Very confusing situation.

If they don't want what I'm offering then lets end it and get our crying done and fix our lifes. But I don't want any of that to happen. I want the vision I set out long ago to come to true. A house where they reconize I'm fucked up. Reconize I'm trying and doing my best. And they still look up to me in spite of my reality. That they live in my fantasy that in one little piece of my life I actually have full control.

Sex and Poly issues may just be the death of our relationships because we can't agree to be full open nor full closed and we can't yet agree on where we are in the middle of all that.

I'm no longer afraid that if they leave me I won't find anyone else. That fear is finally gone. That is growth. I don't desire them to leave me and I want everyone back stronger and more bonded to me than ever.

So I'm floating along enjoying some inner peace now that we've shut up Rachel... For now a rocky boat around here is the calmest we've been inside in ages.

Next major life shit to handle:
a) My arm is more broken than not.
b) divorse

Break downs

Many of them lately. We get so irrational.
We really fucked up our life  this time and hurt too many (more than zero) people this time. :( Big fall out...

Some new insights and possibilities have come from it so not a total waste.

So sorry for all the pain...



Huge change... Rachel basically blended into the background. I suppose we could call her out if we had to, but she's gone. The brian has been so much more stable the last couple days without her constant psycosis getting in the way. But this hurts so bad loosing her. Seems to be the only solution to keeping my family. We had to find a way to fix us. We are awaiting the time test to see if it holds.

More adjustments are happening to fill in the cracks... Hoping that goes well. Sarah is a bit freaked out and hiding a bit.

Not on the same page

Turns out that Rachel breaks really easy. More than any of us she's pure emotion with almost no rationality control. She's rational, but can't really control what she feels. And she feels deeply. She was dealing so well with MK. And now that he's around all the time old feelings are coming back. We can say all day that X is ok but she quickly doesn't feel it and our brain spirals down. So we aren't on the same page internally... Kind of...

If only he wanted to play with us too. It is torture having her wanting someone who doesn't want us. Normally we push those kind of people out of our life and move on. MK we can't. Rather won't. I don't like where this is heading... Again...

X-mas begins

It is funny what will trigger us. Last night we looked at some wrapping paper/gift and had this over whelming urge to rip it open. Next I'm jumping on the bed - kind of and lots of kids songs like the theam song to spider man, batman, lone ranger and other stuff from when we were a kid. Scotty was out... Felt really funny. Not used to it. Then the phone chimed 5 times and it confused him and he ran away.

in the tub...

Often me use tub time to have down time think. We are doing that now and realized that we haven't blogged for a but. So here it goes.

The new job is really stressful. We had a major breakdown recently that left us really broken. We backed off from working extra to take time to heal our mind. But the cost of my break caused ripples to my girls. I'm sorry about that but I also needed their support... So they crashed too. :(  we are mostly back to normal again... I hope.

Really wanting to switch careers or somehow get in a position with less stress... Not sure yet what it will be or look like.

I struggle a lot inside...

Lately beast has been growing in strength and is out more and more at home. Inside  he sits and watches over the new village tbsy was built when we got the new job and relesedd every one from debters prisen. In fact a common view I get is seeing the back of akhenaton, scott, and beast watching the village. So who is looking? Rachel? No because sometimes she blowing one of the guys in our group... So who knows.


Time to get ready to go out...

bat shit crazy for a time

So we had a major break down recently around someone. Beyond that topic my brain went  into a major shutdown where I felt trapped and wanted to just clean house.... so glad we didn't.

Leather Masks and Armor [Akhenaten]

Ok now I want to make Leather masks (oh so many ideas!!!) and body armor...

There are some really neat videos on youtube about making them.

Leather Craft [Akhenaten]

So while Scott does all the programming stuff I do BDSM stuff. Well lately I've been obsessing over creating my own leather toys, tools, and such. I've been working on some name tags for my girls so that others can have a bit of a clue as to who is out when we are playing.

Well now I've found this video that gives me TONS of ideas.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfrrV2b9eFo&list=PL1834266C7F5D17D1 
I might need to start going to cons... LOL


One plus side to me not having a working computer at work is that I've been able to watch lots of leather crafting videos while I've been waiting. One guy is making guitar straps. Living in Nashville I've thought about making some different ones to sell. Maybe a store like Karma would sell them for me or something. So many directions to take that. But I have too many other projects to work on so I'm not going to go this direction right now. But could be a little money maker.

Along those lines I've thought about making bdsm toys locally. There aren't any craftspeople selling locally. Maybe sell to the shops? But again I don't have time.

Well today our work computer showed up after being re-imaged. So my time is gone now... So we'll shift back to Scott getting the day time again. He simply makes more than I ever could doing this.

More ok than not... :)

Now that the new work is leveling out and there is more routine my mind is doing a lot better. We love having down time, but looking for work really isn't down time... It was super stressful. We are doing a lot better now that we have a job.

Mostly happy. Standard frustrations of how to keep a relationship alive with girl #1 due to her being sick all the time. And frustrations around not having time to run a business and do projects and such.

I've been doing some leather crafting projects. I'm enjoying it. Looking to learn the biker patch style. of course most of the videos I can find are Western Sheridon style. But lots of knowledge to be gleamed from those. It's like learning Spirituals to learn the Blues. Close but not the same.

Last night Rachel and Scott were kind of co-sharing. Scott was surprised when he noticed our body kissing down girl #2's body. We are ok with what happened, but were a little surprised by the not knowing ahead.

Time to get a different vehicle... AC in my truck is still not working after re-charging it. There are mechanical problems. The other truck is broken down too. So both are limping along... So that is a stress.

How are we laid out?

Yesterday someone was asking me about how many personalities I have. We have that detailed in the "Da System" link at the top. That covers most of it. But it lead me to think about it a bit.

A while back we created a castle to have a grand meeting room to aid in conversations. I also see beast, eva, and puppies are in their own encampment outside of the castle. And Mr. Pier seems to have come from a debtors prisen where there is a massive group locked up. I got to thinking about the scenery around these. I used to think they were from very different time periods but the more I look at it the less time distinction I can see. odd...

Then of course there are those that are so far outside of this world like the indian boy and his village. There is Scotty that went and hid at our 5th birthday party.
there is Sarah that suddenly showed up one day and seems to live down the hall way kind of near Scotty in our brain, not the castle.

It's a big mix...


We just role with it. But when we stop to think about it then it's kind of weird. LOL

Fiddle [Sarah]

Fuck ya! Finally got my fiddle a couple weeks ago. It made be a cheap ass electric one but that is cool.

In a rare working together Scott helped me get some software on the phone for tuning. We'll see how close my memory was when I tuned it.


Being out sucks I'm outahere!

"Don't Leave the Buckets Out With The Blades In It"

Yesterday everything was fine. But the closer to home I got the more and more pressure there was in my head. I knew that sensation it is the "I'm going to shift to someone else" pressure. But we fought it and fought it because we had dinner to make and work to do. And a project to work on. And we were switching between the main three no problem so what the hell?! And we were cranky and grumpy and we were aware of it and couldn't stop it. We even commented on how our reactions were out of perporsion to the stimulus.

We went to bed. Had fun sex. Ending with Beast out. Still ok but our left arms was kind of numb and the pressure in our head wasn't stopping.

Then all hell broke loose. We started seeing scenes of a mental ward public area. We kept refocusing on a table with a bucket with blades in it. And this phrase kept playing over and over, "don't leave the buckets out with the blades in it." over and over and over. [Large sour cream container with stake knives standing vertically in it in a circle but not falling to the side of the container for support...] We almost said it out loud but were afraid of what would happen and worked on pushing it away. Failed... We suddenly switched over to someone new - well that isn't quite right. I'll get to that. He took quick notice of girl 2 being in bed with him and started playing with her. Odd thing. When he moved towards her head the brighter and "higher feeling" things got and he came out stronger. As he moved down her body things darker and it was harder to hold the front position. A bunch of us were pulling on him to pull him back in. Suddenly we switched to Scotty and there was a huge pain in the back of our right eye. To him it felt like the bad man had stabbed him in the eye from the back as he went in. He'd used a knife from the bucket to get free... He was put back in his cage or room.... Scotty mentioned how he'd forgotten about this nightmare. None of us can remember anything about this. So is this someone new? Someone old we'd walled up in the past? Either way he definitely scared even Mike.  From there we spun around to a bunch of different people and shook a lot. And internally cried ourselves to sleep...

Morning. Depressed. Just don't care it's time for work. Forced us up...  Here we sit...

While driving in to work I popped into the meeting room in the castle and there were hundreds of new faces... There is is some battles going on trying to get them back to the cages where they live. We are scared about what that means. That is the debtors prison area. And now that I have this new job maybe it is safe to left them be free... But... We have a fine balance and don't want it upset. Old work did that for us already though....


Because I needed a breakdown right now....   ughhh

My eye is still a bit sore... I wonder if physically a blood vessel popped while we were switching. Looking in the mirror I don't see anything wrong though. Aches like it used to when I was six and seven, before I got glasses.

Rachel's Pulled Chicken BBQ [Rachel]

Pre-Prep
Thaw Chicken Breast.

Once thawed pre-heat oven to 250.

Sauce Creation
In a bowl wisp together:
1/4 cup catchup
1/8 cup apple cider vinegar
1 cup apple juice
1/8 cup terriakie sauce
1/8 cup olive oil
2 tea spoons sun dried tomato paste
1 table spoon dijon mustard
1 tea spoon lemon juice
light dash of paprika
light dash of cummen
some onion flakes
salt

Dry Rub / Searing
Sprinkle the chicken with salt, onion powder, basil. Sear the breast in a hot skillet.

Baking
In a glass pie pan spray with non-stick spray. Dip chicken in the sauce to coat evenly then put it in the baking dish. Pour sauce over chicken. Cover with foil and poke a small hole in the middle.

Bake in 250 oven for one hour on rack that is about 1/3 from the bottom of the oven.
Then turn up the heat to 300 and bake for another hour.

Serving
Pull with fork like pork and serve.

More Adjustments and random stuff

The rule of multplicity that I live by is that everything is always changing, especially personalities and what/which one the brain will pick at any given time. I can't count on other people or me to react, respond, be, or do what I expect. And that really drives my analytical side bug nuts! I want to be able to know. It is hard for me to sit with the unknowing. It's hard for me to be in the here and now and be present to what other people need or what I need. I want to already know. But life doesn't work that way...

While I was unemployed my brain started reorganizing as we dealt with surging emotions. We dealt with our poly dynamic as well. For many reasons Akhenaten, Scott, and Rachel each took time off. This left our brain scrambling to cope, deal, front, etc.

Well we are finally all back and getting things organized again now that we are working again. When we weren't we started migrating to a natural state of being. The "normal" we do for work is a creation to survive the social norms and requirements of society. Our base normal self is a night creature that finds tangents and runs with them. We do all kinds of random projects. Well that has left us with a long list of TODOs to get done now that we are working again. We are sorting through their priorty and have even made a list. Some we'll do because ya we want to do them for real. Some are more job type things that we'd like to do if we weren't out working for someone else.

Over this forced break we learned a lot about working with leather. Starting to really enjoy the possibilities there and have a long list of ideas in our head for projects to do.

There are five or six whips I plan to braid out and some other toys to build.

There are multiple apps I've invented I want to have someone write and if it has to be me then they will take a while.

etc. etc. etc...

So all that takes money. :( So a lot of that probibly won't happen or won't happen as soon as I want for sure.



Sarah is getting stronger. We are scared about that. She's a cunt and doesn't like some people we do. We keep her in the background and she mostly doesn't want to come out anyways. But slowly she is coming out more and more. Weird feelings flow with her. Weirder to our system than other personalities. Her views are so different. Most of our system share the same outlook and views but express them differently. She doesn't really fit that model. In some ways she says what we are scared to tell ourselves at times. A bit of a protector spirit that way. But mostly she's just being a cunt.



Work. We sit here waiting for access to our computer... boring! Can't really do what we want because ya we are at work. So lots of web surfing...


3D printing. I've been obsessed with possibilities there for a few weeks now. Today on CNN they have a report on 3d printing where they say it is moving from several millions to 1.x Billion in the next few years. I am tempted to go that line, but it requires a lot of trig that my brain can't really handle. But there are many aspects of it I could do. It will probibly be a hobby and I'd like to build a printer from scratch for myself. It fills that robot interest as well as the 3d printing side of things. I'd love to make one that has three or four colors that blend together to make color on demand or some other inking system. I'd really love to build a metal printer too. Those are cool.

I have some business ideas around 3d printing that lets customers modify some parameters to get custom fit products. Maybe I'll work on writing those apps. I have a better business idea around online games to do first though. But i'd love to be able to make a line of customizable leather punches. Not a big money maker, but sounds like a fun project. Maybe I could sell it to Tandy or something. LOL

Yet I find it all so fascinating... So maybe I will go that direction. Just depends on how my ADD goes... LOL


Rachel is slowly coming back. With the deal with MK she turned off. It wasn't that we tried to do that to her or that she let anyone know. Just we realized we couldn't reach her. That was almost weirder than when Scott turned off for a break and we were jumping from Akhenaten straight to Rachel. But she's slowly coming back. She's starting to regain her stregnth. At first she couldn't hold the front very well. Getting better at it again. She's majorly depressed. Typical teenager reactions to non-recipicated love. We'll get beyond it.

Speaking of this issue most of the rest of us are mostly doing ok with this. We still have some weird feelings about it but aren't on the train of thought to make things end like we were before we figured out what was bothering us and why it was. Now that we've narrowed it down to a specific thing it's been easier for some of us to manage. We still need more communication to get this working better...



Speaking of communication it's not been happening at home much because we have all been depressed and dealing with our issues. Me being depressed shot both of my girls into a depression. I'm mostly back out and now trying to pick up the pieces. Sucks because I needed their support which pushed me further down ... anyways fast forward - we are starting to pull it back together. Seems like no matter how hard I try I always end up with people that are depressed and we play the depression dance. BUT this is the best mix yet!!! ;)


I'm slowly starting to teach more BDSM classes. I have a blade class I co-teach. I'm part of the steering committee for a BDSM basics class and probably will eventually teach one of those classes. I do a lot of mentoring. I have become a very active member in my community. But mostly I support girl #2 with her teaching because she's kick ass at it! I am working on a new class that I'll teach. It's working title is BDSM in Action. Working on the TOC, speech, slides, and pictures. I've got a few weeks to finish it...



Helicopter. Ya the ADD is still driving me nuts but it's settling down a bit now that their is a routine emerging with the new job. (but there was just one flying around with red cross paintings on it. I suddenly had thought of Vietnam...)

Valuable?

New job is going well. Initial learning curve but because it is the same business domain I'm jumping in full swing and just having to learn their product/implementation. I have a stack of stuff to read after lunch...

It worries me how free and valuable I feel now that I have a job again. That should come from inside instead of someone showing me to be valuable. Most of it is the dynamic of how culture has us set up to be valuable only if we are providing money a particular way - a job. But there is so many things I want to do that can make money. If only I had enough time and funds to float me until I could get them to pay off... But I don't.  Soo... I has a job again. LOL

And I'm mostly happy right now. Some major things broke free between MK and me. It is still a bit raw and awkward but I'm trying and so is he. I just wish we didn't have to try so much.

Busy busy lately.

New Job - finally

I got a new job offer last week! Yay!!!

But there are things to handle that over shadow that excitement.

Then I drop up for a divorse kids class in WI.
I saw my kids. That was hard. But I'm glad I did it. I needed to see them again after not seeing them for three (???) years. And it hurt to say good bye. I drove all night to get home. I knew if I stopped to sleep I wouldn't want to start driving again. I was tired and burned out and just had one thought. I have to get home. Along the trip home it became I have to get home and fuck. When I finally did I almost threw up because my body was so fucked up from lack of sleep and nerves.

I foolishly bottomed at the club Sat night. I was still in charge, but I got a good blow job that sent me sailing high. I needed to relax and enjoy for it bit. It felt great. But then I crashed out bad after that night. I felt it coming on. I went out to eat to try to get rid of it. Just too many feelings were bottled up that needed to get out... But they stayed bottled and I dropped further on Sunday. Sat night I needed after care and the person I was looking for it from wasn't available and the others that I could get it from left like ten mins later. So I was alone...

Yesterday I saw much ado... I enjoyed it. As we left I got a deep sense of forboading and needy and jumbled brain. I couldn't express how much I needed my girl to stay with me. It just wouldn't come out.

I was alone alot as my other girl needed to sleep. I thought I would have to deal with the cat dieing myself. I was still dropped. I was depressed. My personalities were all jumbled.

I held it together. Kind of. I had to...

Yesterday I had a major breakdown and panic attack. The worst of it at walmart. I couldn't find anyone to handle it except for Sarah and Mike. Sarah first. Then Mike when she couldn't hold it together anymore. No skin off his back. But it was hard to "hunt" and shop at the same time. We got out of there without causing any problems. But that "Nigger", as he put it, needed to be cut up. We obviously didn't let him. And we don't think like that. So it was a huge surprise to us. And not... We keep him locked up inside for so many reasons. But we made it home...

Scott sent an email to girl number two he should't have... shit... now we have a mess to clean up around an issue. again... again again again.... We just don't now how to fix it and we are doing worse every week around it.

We were headed to bed when our cat started down the final path to die. So Akhenaten came out to help girl number one through that process. Lots of tears all around...

We didn't get to bed last night due to the timing. And I stayed up to take the cat to be cremated. I almost break down after dropping him off... I just got home.

I should go sleep... I really don't want to. But I was trying to get caught up on my missed sleep from my long trip to WI and back last week... I need to sleep... Too numb to really give a shit right now.

I'm tired of holding it together. I so want to give up.

The new job helps. But I still have to pass the background checks and such. There is stuff I need to be doing for it today that I'm way too tired to do now... I was told on Friday I have three days. I'm hoping that's three business days. I'll deal with it Tue.

I wish saying all this would help. Its not.

Time to go see if I can sleep. Maybe I've shut down the voices enough...

I need to be held... but I'm alone. I'd get girl number one to do it but she has her own shit to handle and is asleep. Not going to wake her...

Everything is going great - new job, divorse is going well, cat isn't suffering anymore - so what is with the lack of emotional control, crying, breakdown of my personalities, and all this mental crap?!

The hunt continues...

Was laid off. Looking for new work.
Getting divorced.

Life is a bit crazy right now and yet I feel really calm about most of it.


I'm working on hunting for work about 75% of the time. Working on a bunch of projects that I have had on my "if I ever have time to do" list. And divorce stuff when I need to as well.



Expressing lots of feelings tonight all over the place...


Next week headed off to see the ex and kids. A bit on edge about it I guess.


3am... I'm finally getting tired. I keep trying to re-adjust back to a "normal" schedule. It's not working...



Learning lots of new IT stuff I haven't had time to do for years. Trying to catch up to where the market is. Feels like I'm in a college crash coarse. Brain is exploding with it a bit...

New Job Hunt

The project I'm on is over... Hunting for a new job.

Lots of breakdowns happening. Lots of crying. Lots of run away emotions.

Trying to build a friendship with girl #2's boyfriend. Feeling one sided about it. Giving it time. 

Lots of fears are clouding our judgement.

Very jumpy brain. We are all over the place.

We talked to a recruiter today. We had trouble answering her questions... Bad...  And we know the answers. We just couldn't get it out right.  Bad head day. :(

We are walking in a fog today...

Playing at the club last night helped something but left us really checked out... I joked yesterday that I should take a day off to burn a floating holiday. Maybe I should have.

I just want to be programming my games. How do I find someone to pay me for that?!

Multiplicity at Con

Last week-end I went to a BDSM Convention. There were some interested events around my head that caused me some "issues".

First issue is that I had sex with some people. As expected, based on how things went the last time I was with someone new, I got really switchy. Turns out lots of us really like jumping in to play with the new person. Some of this is because we are trying to figure out what they want/need and which one of us can meet that best. Some is selfish wanting to play and take care of our needs. There was space for this because I was playing with friends at the time. But it really put a bit warning sign on the raydar for me to play with people I don't know very well. Not sure how to control this one... The merry-go-round starts spinning and I hold on for the ride. While there wasn't any pick-up play around sex for me during this con I also shyed away from looking for it because of my concerns.

Another issue was that I was trying to hold Akhenaten for the con. I kept bouncing between Scott and Akhenaten as normal. But Also jumping over to Rachel a lot and near her while Scott. That frustrated and surprised us. Apparenetly there were lots of needs trying to be met despite us wanting to hold an image. And that gets into our self identity. We want to be known as a Dominant personality. But instead we give off really confusing and mixed signals about what we are. When we have a whip in our hand it's easy. I thought dressing the part would do it. but long hours it all breaks down. We are going to have to come to terms with this reality. We aren't ever going to be top dog in random room x. But we can be top dog in our relationship(s) of those we pull close. Or not as things work out... The switch idea has never worked well with girl #1 and she needs me to be in charge. We also haven't had success with #2 embrasing the idea. So it's a delicate balance with my family vs reality of who we truely are. Maybe we need more feedback about how we are preceived in a room of people. Our self doubts and fears have clouded our judgement on this for too long. Now that Rachel has grown stronger it's bringing back a lot of old fears and concerns around this topic.

Another issue was that while we wanted to do pick up dungeon play we ran into the old issue of not wanting to just ask tons of people. Probably would have asked some people if I knew for sure that is what they were looking for though. So the idea of reading strangers is something that we do a lot of, but we also have further criteria of desiring a connection with that person. I think I could have played more, but in the end I was focused on surviving the week-end and being in a condition to drive home. But this topic raised a lot of conversation in my head around getting what we want. Questions around if we are being too afraid. There is learning from past mistakes and going overboard. Have we?

Another issue is that while Akhenaten was hunting for people to top. Rachel was hunting to be topped. In the end neither really found what they were looking for. Except Akhenaten had a great whipping scene with someone we know. Also had a few good play sessions with girl #2. So it wasn't a total loss around this. We had enough to not feel bad about it.

The biggest surprise was getting an unexpected massage. It raised a lot of barrier questions/issues around why we hold onto so much stress and worry. Around who should be out enjoying the painful event. And some ideas were raised that Scott wanted to do. In fact he looked for her later to do something else with her but never found her at the right time. Too bad she lives so far away.

There were so many opportunities and possibilities available. I find I have to focus on what I did do and achieved so that I don't have a sense of loss for what was missed. Another time. I've got a life time. In the end I made the most of what I wanted to do right then. And that was a special gift to myself. I didn't get everything done I wanted to do. But I did enough to make the event worth while. In the end I felt at home. That means so much to me. That is what I feel every week-end when I'm at the club. This is what I wish everyday of my life could be like. Just normal. Just be us. Let down our false front of just being Scott all the time...

We found on Monday we had already taken off of work and was so glad we had. We felt fine. Yet we had trouble focusing and holding attention on the tv/movies. We had no desire to program or other projects. We wanted to just veg.

This vacation was the first one, I think in my professional life, where I actually left home and did something out of town. It's always sleep in extra and piddle around the house. It was rejuvinating.

I notice a lot of my depression has lifted.

3 Days Later...[Akhenaten]

Stress what stress?!


Great week-end on many fronts.

Friday night had a partner swap date. I kind of fell apart as everyone tried to get out at the same time. I ended up spinning and spinning. Finally I realized I needed food because I hadn't had much dinner. Food helped and we had more fun. Then we woke up Saturday and went some more. Rachel again had some good fun in all that and was made to feel wanted. She cried...

The big surprise Saturday was the seizure girl number one had an a personality showed up that has been gone for a long time. (Right after my date left.) And the existing integrated personality seemed to go away. So now my girl is back. The quality of my existence with the personality out in that body really makes a difference in how I feel inside me. I know that is dangerous and co-dependent and it is how it is...

I do find it a really odd co-incidence that she shows up right after we had just had a big major fight. But we had worked through a lot of problems in that fight. At least some things were said that were over due. So I'm left wondering if their brain's fix was to re-set to who I indicated I wanted...

Now that she's back I can sexually touch that body again. That relaxed a major stress. I need to feel safe in my own home. Part of that is being able to act on my urges and know that they are wanted.


Girl number 2 and I had some really great bonding time as well this week-end with a couple of her personalities and mine. It was very needed! Scott got some bottoming time with her in an unexpected but desired twist in our dynamic. We wouldn't be able to handle a steady diet of it, but he's been needing what he got. We could tell she wasn't very comfortable doing it... That is reassuring in it's own right. LOL

I also spent some time with another personality last night that was hit really hard when her "sister slave" was put into storage. I finally got to feel and express some feelings and emotions about that event... I needed to let it out. She seemed to be the right one to do that with... We both have a sense of loss over this and understand why it was needed and don't want it. Now Rachel has lost one and Akhenaten has lost one in that system... After all the loss I've had with girl #1 I'm just not feeling it as much and have learned that change in the mix seems to be a constant. But it still hurts.

I was just teasing that personality that I didn't love her as we were playing. That was a lie...


Looking forward to this next week-end. Big Con. Never been to one before.


I'm at work early and haven't gotten started yet. I don't want the good in my head to end with work reality. But here it goes...

Stress

Seems all my relationships are falling apart... I seem to be upsetting my family lately. I'm not even understanding all they are upset at me for which is typical when I get stressed. I'm getting lost... I need out. I have urges to run away. Just leave it all behind. I don't want those results. But holding it together is getting really impossible feeling. A new job would fix big parts of that. Waiting to hear... They said just wait they are working on something for me... Wondering if I should keep looking...  Just want to pass out and wake up with everything all better. Tired of the nightmare...

STD Pannel

I got a call today - full std panel came back with everything negative. Yay! Another round in May just to double check is coming up.

Rage

I've been feeling a bit out of control the last few days. Just surging feelings of rage. Just feeling like I can't get my life back under control. Too many moving parts. I just can't keep up. They people have moved on when I'm ready for them.

My job interview went well I heard and they are considering me for the position role I had first applied for a while back. (They had filled that slot with someone else.) So that is good news. But I'm left waiting until they get some things sorted out.

I'm just frustrated at work...


I have been thinking about girl #1 and me a lot lately. I'm wondering where this new path is headed since the BDSM collar came off and we've started over. When she was multiple I understood my role and how that drifted with different alters. Since she's integrated I'm a bit lost as to how I should relate. All of our old agreements are gone so I'm floundering in trying to figure out what we are and how we fit together. If at all. She says she needs time to sort though some stuff. But I'm worried that I'll always be a reminder of what set her into this place to begin with. Is it safe for her to stay with me? For her... I'm probably always going to remind her of her past because that is the kind of person I am. We had agreements and space for that initially. And now... It's all up in the air. I don't hand up in the air on-goingly well. And yet the last couple of years it's been that.

I should have been heart broken when the collar came off... It really didn't phase me. I'd already spent years morning the loss of what we had. It really was the logical conclusion. I hate it! I don't like this...

Now I cry. Right before a meeting. Great...


l8tr.

Aids

So I had my first aids test yesterday. (Well technically second because of the one I had last Monday with the other testing, but I haven't gotten those results yet...) I'm glad I did for several reasons.

One is that I used to have a boyfriend who's SO died of aids. I almost always used a condom with him. But there were those times we didn't. I had kids since then and since they didn't pop positive I figured I wasn't. (Really shitty way to know I know.) And others I'm playing with have been tested and they didn't pop positive.

Well I've learned a lot about being responsible with my sexual health very recently and over time. It was time that I moved from fear and into being proactive.

For years I had fears that I had it and it just hadn't taken over my system yet. And yet I always "knew" I was clean. So I never really knew for sure... Now I know I don't have it. So yay! (Waiting on the blood test version before I do the happy jig. This was a mouth swab...) And in some ways I feel a bit sad. My connection to someone I used to love is broken. As fucked up as that is...

So now I get to focus on staying clean. The free love side of me hates that. The drive to live is excited about it. Ughh...

I wasn't expecting to feel this way... Seems like I should be super happy about it. And most of us are. We haven't identified the voice that is sad on this one yet... probably part of Scott...

Upset little and Job Interview

Two days ago I was watching this presentation that my girl was talking about in http://multiplicityofme.blogspot.com/2013/03/did-presentation-me.html

I found myself going to bed with girl #2 with Scotty (5yo) out and seemed a bit upset. Then he was talking about something he regretted doing to our mom and he disappeared. Akhenaten came out and we moved on to sex. I didn't think much about it... Until yesterday we had a really horrible day. We were upset in weird ways. Super sleepy. Never woke up all the way. So last night we went to be alone at 8:30pm. Almost instanly I heard Rachel and Scotty talking about the night before and that seemed to reach a resolution. Almost instanly we felt peaceful and drifted off to sleep. Today the only fall out is that we are a bit sleepier than normal but we are making it today just fine. Luckily! Because today we had a job interview follow up. It seemed to go well as best as we can tell. Before we started we debated if it would be Akhenaten or Scott at the interview. We decided it would be the one that is to be out there with others supporting if needed. Scott did great we think. So now we wait to see if they thought so too.

Seems Rachel has been increasing her role of compationate intuitive. She's been writing to someone we've thought of playing with in the past that is also multiple who is having a hard time of it right now. She's a bit more blunt and simplistic than us boys, but it's the same message and sentiment. We are worried about her.

Happy

So after my brain exploded it opened some communication channels all around my family. Those conversations have made me feel a lot better about us and where we are and what we mean to each other.

Girl number 1 and I are starting over. Progress is slow but steady.

Girl number 2 and I re-based our relationship. Make up sex is hot!



In summary: I'm happy



It feels nice to be happy. I haven't been there in years. The low level depression is almost not noticable now.


There are some life weights around money and my kids. But now so loud now.

Dr

So the long awaited STD testing was done today. Yay. Waiting for results now...

Got a finger up my butt for my trouble. LOL First time at the Dr. I'm like is that all?

Mental State in Flux

Today...
I have the best girlfriend ever! She modified her date to take care of my mental state. It did wonders for my mental state, health, and our relationship. I had been feeling that she wasn't paying attention to what I need. I tried to let her go ahead with her plans knowing my feelings were lieing to me. But she saw through me and stayed and helped me instead. That is what I was really needing from her.

There has been so many stress items building that I really needed to vent. They don't feel or looks so big today. Yesterday I was feeling suicidal. Today, no fricking way! I've got so much going for me and I can handle this other stuff. I just needed a melt down for a bit.

Her date actually came over to spend the night with us and we had lots of cuddles and fun sexy times. That helped too!!!

Rachel seems to pop out big time whenever he is around. I have a mild concern that it will tip the dynamic in the long term. That might be ok... I'm worrying about how I'm viewed instead of living...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday at lunch time I wrote:

I've been extra needy lately. I feel like I just can't get enough re-affirmation and attention. This happens when I'm feeling really out of control. I feel very out of control lately because I'm having trouble holding it all together. My needs, Scott's needs, and Rachel's needs are so different and incompatible. My poor girls just don't know what to do with us. What they can do is give lots of attention and hugs and cuddles and reaffirm our closeness.

Not so easy with girl #1 lately due to what she is dealing with internally. That is part of what I am spinning and responding to. Our dynamic has been ripped apart slowly over years of time and the final rip recently has made it so that I just don't know where I stand with them anymore. We kissed, just fast pecks, for the first time in ages last night. I wanted so much to grab her up and do so much more. But I left the room... She still isn't ready for me...

Girl #2 can't be everything I need. I don't expect her to be.

And internally Akhenaten doesn't trust Scott anymore. Or any of us after the point our brain should be a sleep and we aren't. The filter of caring about safety and doing the right thing leaves when our base sex side takes over. We're really struggling to keep #2 safe until we know we aren't infected.

There is the fear of what if we are then what. We know we have to wait and see what it is and what the "fix is" if there is one. We are so scared of loosing her. So I'm getting extra clingy...

Tonight #2 is off to sleep in another bed and I am really struggling with it. I need her with me right now. I'm not stable enough for this. I want to be. I say I am. But why am I crying about spending the night alone? Sure I've got a billion things I need to do around my business and whip projects. But ... in the end I'll be alone. I don't want to make her feel bad for wanting to be with another. But I need my girl... And I can't say it. I don't want to be jelious. It's not that. But I can see how it would look that way. It's me needing my needs taken care of and they aren't. But I don't know that she can. I just know it helps a lot having her near and telling me she still loves me.

I'm hurting. scared. breaking down all over. Sitting at my desk crying at work.

I'm not ok...

I'm not putting it all back together.

I fucked up and I can't fix it.

Every time I put on that condom I am reminded how I can't trust myself.

Every time I want to skip the condom I am reminded how I can't trust myself.

I had created a safety net of a relationship where I could be be. No fear to have sex. And freedom to be fulling engaged full time. We destroyed that. Now we are lost and scared and lonely even with people beside us because we can't be full in.

Our safety is lost. Now we are jumping around irradically. It is a struggle just to make it through the depression and day. I'm amazed we are getting any work done. Today we aren't. Lots of thoughts and fears. Lots of distraction. The voices are super loud and music just won't quit them. Too much work too do. Too overwhelming. Too many thoughts....

This is way beyond the physical aspect of sexual pleasure. I've fucked up my brain and I, we, don't know what to do in this waiting space...

3/11 we have a doctors appointment. We'll see what the tests say and go from there. For now... we weep.


I no longer trust us so how can anyone else?

Condoms suck

That is all.

Crying

HATE CRYING...

This antibiotic seems to have first made me very angry. I stopped it. Planned to recenter. then forgot about it for a few days. Now that I'm taking it again I'm feeling very alone, scared, left out, and crying easily. So it seems to amplify emotions in me a lot. What every way I'm tilting it is amplifying. :(


So what I know is that what I'm feeling is a lie. Sure feels real at the time.

I know I'm making things bigger than they are and I'm trying to keep it sane as I can.

Beast - tid bits

Lately Beast has been growing and coming out more.

Sometimes it is a help. Like yesterday when we were driving everyone was having trouble focusing on the road but there wasn't a rest stop or exit anywhere around. We tried several people but the body was just super tired and nothing was working. Then we used Beast to supplement  We sat up straighter instantly and the road suddenly was in clear focus. It was a fight to hold him in place, but we got to a rest stop and normally would have shut down the vehicle and gone to sleep instantly  We. I. kept us going enough to go pee and then crashed hard for a while.

Beast can't seem to be kept away if we are having sex anymore...

Beast is very chewy. Our teeth can't handle it...

Beast has trouble talking. Our voice just won't go low enough. He's also very growly which leaves the lyrnix hurting.

Beast seems to have moments of great eye sight. Better than the rest of us. Even magnified one time. (Couldn't do that on purpose later though...)

Beast's eye are a lot more tunnel visioned.

Protector Fail - NSFW

This is Akhenaten... Extra adult sexual content warning here... NSFW

New resume - new projects - need more time

I've been working on a new resume to push my career in a new direction. I've added in a new project I haven't even done yet. I'm excited to do this new project. It is needed for my business. Hopefully it takes me in a good direction in my career too. But even more I hope it makes my business take off.

Sooo....  I am looking at my availability to work on my business and it's hard to do everything. I'm going to have to start cutting out some of my fun extras. Damn it. :)

I am starting to get some new defects on my existing products. Using BugSense has really been worth the price from that perspective.


I also keep hearing Sarah lamenting how we still don't have a fiddle... She comes and goes. Some days I see her in the hall playing alone with the music we are listening to. Other days the hall is empty. She's a real tough bitch and doesn't seem to like to come out. Seems if she does it's normally when we are alone.


Akhenaten is wishing for lots of leather to braid whips with. We just can't afford it and are still learning. So for now paracord is a good solution to practice on. But... ya we need the real thing.


I'm just so fet up with work. I'm starting to wonder if something illegal is happening here at work...

Just tired of being tired....

Down Under

Funny thing happened yesterday. We had a really great night of set the night before and was feeling good about it all day. As Rachel came out to cook dinner she suddenly felt like our privates all doubled in size. Like everything. And it hit all at once and felt really really good.

That reminds me. The other day Beast came out really strong during sex and suddenly everything he looked at was magnified double. That caused a greater tunnel vision to allow for the closer refocus. I remember standing on the side line watching this and thought about our years of eye therapy we went through to get our tunnel vision and focal lengths to work right. I wonder if back then we were fighting for control of the eyes. I know we had a lot of anger, frustration, and control issues around that time.

Re-focus about Angels

How does one go about getting Angel investors? This is something I've looked at in the past. I've always been vehemently against going that route because I didn't want to extend that control I wanted to another. But even if I had full control of the company then the customers are still the boss. SOOOOO   I'm re-thinking this position a bit. I'm looking for what is next for me and starting an adult gaming company is looking very promising as an opportunity and interest of mine. I'm starting to work on business plan ideas. And as a business plan is suppose to do it is forcing me to re-think some of the approaches I'm using currently vs what I should be using for success. It also it clear to me that I need funds if I take this approach full time and hire developers, etc. It is time to get the business plan down on paper and slide shows and get the napkin diagram down in my head and get the 30 second elevator speech created.

Noticed slip-ups as stress reduces

Back in the grind of work and life after all that vacation time. Christmas tree is put away. Holiday stress is mostly gone.

Job search hasn't gone anywhere yet. Yet...

New application development is on hold while I get some old defects in my existing stuff fixed. I despise having broken code released. LOL


== slip-ups ==
Beast has been coming out more and more frequently for sex. That is ok most of the time but I don't like how often and how much he's taking over when someone else is having fun.

Rachel hasn't been out strongly for a while, but I catch her patterns being out here and there unexpecitly like today after warming up my lunch in the microwave.

Mr. Peare's voice was talking to a co-worker about her short sleeved sweater today. I'm talking to myself asking me why he's talking to her and out at work while I'm thinking I'm talking to her.

But more or less life is how it's been. Somewhat working - and really more working than not. I mostly don't have complains about things related to my system as we interface to the world. But there are little things. Luckily I'm 99.9% functional in life.




I notice that after Beast slips away that Mr. Peare is almost always there.

There are some personalities that come out rarely that we don't know or recognize and they feel funny when they are out. They use our memory space but they aren't us. Everything feels foreign. That seems to only happen when we are really out of it from playing too hard or if we crash out. I find I have to stay balanced our make sure I have time to re-coup if I exert really heavy.

I'm starting to hold my dungeon play to one or two scenes lately because of multiple reasons.
1. I'm going more often so I'm not as needy.
2. I'm enjoying socializing
3. I'm finding that I'm flying a lot lately - I really enjoy playing. It puts me in a good and happy place. But while there I notice my aim and such is off. Like I'm drunk. So I've been pulling back from play when that happens.
4. If I over do it I get really spinny. And while that can be fun once in a while it puts us out of control and we HATE that.


I haven't had a decent scene with girl #2's emo alter for a long time. There's been reasons. I'd like to fix that though. Me and someone talked about it but we still haven't found the right time to do it.

Scream

I am inside and wishing out!!! Hating work!

Spins

I keep getting really spinny lately. (Personalities jumping out unexpectidly or running through lots of them quickly.) Some of the agitation is due to pain of the bad teeth I have. Some is due to feeling trapped in this job. Some is? I'm not sure. It's always been there at a level. It's just pushed up more right now...

I've had some good job interviews lately... Hoping one of them pans out.
Been applying to others just in case.

I'm taking a small break from starting new programming projects for my business right now. Been fixing some defects to make things better. When they came out with android release 11 or something like that... they made it so one of my programs won't work with the newer stuff. That is next on the list to fix.

Well off for now... this was more of a check in.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick from this tooth...