Stress increasing

I'm falling apart... I woke up this morning with some pee running down my belly. Peeing the bed. REALLY?! I used to be a bed wetter... But not since grade school. Maybe it was just a dream. But I don't think so. Stress at work has had me feeling really sick. Almost wanting to throw up sick. I know it's emotional and not a bug or something. I'm not handling seeing my friends, and family even, fired. So much for my thoughts of being a manager. I can't stand the idea of firing people that don't deserve it just because of making the books look good.

The good news today is that I found out what my responsibility will be for the next couple to six months. So knowing they plan to keep me clears up my stress some. And I'm still looking for a new job...

I'm busy getting some bugs fixed in the application I've been writing. I want to get it out ASAP to get some extra funds flowing in.

I'm busy and yet can't think... I really need some vacation!!! Oh wait I have some coming up next week! Sweet!!!!!! I hope that helps reset me a bit.

Girl number one is still stuck with the kid out. It's what the fourth day? It never goes this long... What is wrong?! I'm clinging to the idea that they'll return after the antibiotics run out of their system. That is the only thing that I can think of is blocking them in. Their system doesn't handle this antibiotic at all...

Stress at work and at home

Stress really sets off my dissociations at work they are letting a bunch of contractors go. Ones we need to actually deliver in the coming months. The people we are keeping, well they are the ones that should go... They are going off of a contract renewal cycle instead of abilities. Will there be an employee riff Friday? What about next month? We knew they were going to scale down... But I don't handle this part well at all... I'm breaking.

At the same time Girl number 1 hit her head and a child personality is out full time for several days. She can't hear her peoples but says she can feel they are there. I'm worried about it! I wish would give a sign that they are still around.

Last night I let Beast out to play. I tempered him more human and it went in a very unexpected direction. Apparently some things needed to be expressed. Yay for transferance? Holy Shit it was so text book. I was feeling powerless about my life so I found an outlet I could control and be domineering around.

Now to hunt for a new job. And apply. It's a bit hard to hide it at work... I was going to grab the laptop and head to the library for lunch to do that but was just invited to meet up with a friend. Maybe venting for a bit will help anyways.

Family

Girl 1 needs dental work. Oh god does she. Maybe it's because we are still new as a family, and I know it's mostly just me and my sense of responsibleness, but I'm having trouble feeling comfortable asking girl 2 for help in making it happen. I know if we fix this it helps all of our lives. And we are family. But I feel like I'm letting them down by not having the money for it. If I wasn't supporting my three kids I'd have it. But I'll always make sure blood is taken care of. But I also need to take care of my created family. And so I've asked for the help... But I feel less for having to do so. I know it's irrational. I guess I suck at being a user of others. I'm ok with that!

Gender Skiing

So after the high 80s to 40 through 70 swings we've been having I've started dressing for winter agian. LOL My office has been cold! Thank god they turned the AC off on Monday afternoon. So today I went walking during lunch, with the nice 73 deg weather, and heated up to the point I needed to take my sweater off. (wow)  As I pulled it off I felt myself shifting and as I put on my vest again I locked right in to Akhenaten fully. So I had a nice time walking around feeling male for a bit. As Scott I never feel male or female fully. I always have the duality. So it felt freeing. There is a grove in that space where the struggle stops. When it's present it's like trying to snow ski where there are lots of ruts pulling at you to go different directions. All the fucking time... When I can lock in only as Akhenaten there is a peace. Locked in only as Rachel... Well she's weak enough that she has to borrow lots of Scott, so the struggle is still there but not as bad as just standard Scott mode. Most of the others are out only during sex... So not thinking about it then. LOL

Last night and earlier today I had glimpses of Rachel being back in the mix. I hear her again if I think about her.

Switching for Sex

It is interesting how different people inside will be near by and I hear them easily for weeks and then they drift off and I don't hear them much for a while. Rachel is like that. I haven't really heard from her nor switched to her for a few days. Not sure why.

The reason I was thinking of this recently was because a couple nights ago girl 2 and I were having sex for like two hours and it was mostly Akhenaten and Scott. Then she went to sleep around midnight. Well I was laying there wide awake for about an hour. Somewhere in there I phased out and Mr. Peare switched in. It was gradual so I'm not sure when it was exactly. All I know is that there was another hour of sex after that. Beast had flowed through most of it all anyways at a mild level.

I figured yesterday I'd be super sleepy from getting the body to sleep after 2am. But it wasn't any sleepier than normal. In fact we were a lot more relaxed. Through all of that I was clear that four of us got our sex needs met. In reflecting on that I noticed the absence of Rachel. I'm sure she'll pop up soon.

Last night the driving need for sex just wasn't there... So soft cuddles and touches. It was nice too.


We are moving offices on Friday. My cube looks so naked and foreign all packed up... :(

Waking Up

I've known all my life that I wake up in layers. I often even feel like I'm awake and try to move and the body doesn't. That can be in the middle of the night or in the morning when someone is trying to get us up. It's really frustrating to have someone telling us to get up, Dad, Girlfriend, etc, and we are trying and nothing is happening, or so it appears. What they don't get, and I didn't understand until this morning, is that we are waking up all split up. So while I'm awake, who is out might not be. Or I might be out and awake, and others are still asleep. The internal alarm bells we set off help some, but more like 50%. They don't seem to reach everyone. When some are still asleep then our brain is slowed down. A lot. And it has the side effect of making whomever is out to be drowsy too. Hard to focus then...

What brought the layers home for me this morning is that I was ready to go to work but it wasn't time yet. I sat down on the sofa and fell back asleep. I  was still out of energy from the night before. (I went on an hour walk after work on top of bad nutrition, too much snack food and soda, and ended up with a pinched nerve and my spirit was warn out!) Anyways I noticed my body went to sleep but I was still awake but slowed and pulled deep inside. Then I had the funniest feeling of what felt like I was floating out then a bubble gum bubble popping on my nose and I had the sensation of being awake and the drowsy feeling was gone. But it was Scotty, not me. We seem to share so much of the same brain space that we feel the same, except his thoughts are very kid like and scares really easy. He's jumpy. Not too long after that we were leaving and he told Girl Number 2 about it and said it felt like something hit his nose. He rode to work for a few mins then I started yawning and woke back up and he phased out. We just can't hold him out very long.

The layers, which I used to call my waking up phases, were always us waking up as personalities. Just when they were hidden inside I couldn't comprehend what was wrong and why I was so different.

We are still struggling to all fully wake up and it's 2pm. Even after eating breakfast and lunch, and multiple sodas with caffeine. This is nothing new and I struggle like this just about every day to wake up. Finally anywhere from 3-7pm I'll wake up. It's like someone has to keep sleeping, or we take turns, until we get enough.

Every year we have about 3 to 4 days where we wake up ready and rearing to go. We can't figure out how to make it happen everyday. We hate to go to sleep because we finally woke up when it's time to sleep. So we stay up too late and then can't wake up. We've tried multiple times to go to bed earlier but it doesn't seem to help and just makes our day really short.

Sleep disorder?

Yesterday I started taking vit. B-12. Hoping that helps!

Day off of work

I took today off work to drive girl number 1 to the Dentist. While there I was interpreting. That tends to pull Rachel out a touch. But Akhenaten was worried about his girl so we kept it visibly him. Although I heard Scott's voice frequently as things started tipping towards Rachel and especially when we were in full on interpreting mode instead of partner mode.

So I'm in the middle of working on some graphics today and my girl number 1 starts talking and Mr. Peare's voice and thoughts are answering her. And I'm like wait... You are the graphics person? Apparently so. So why didn't I know that? And why was I hearing Scott's thoughts in my head right before then?

Apparently Gay Dude was putting dinner together while I was thinking about the above happenings. And it occurred to us that when Mr. Peare helps with dinner is when it gets fancier than normal. Again I didn't know  Gay Dude was out until we started talking to ourselves, out loud.

Today at lunch I apparently was mid sentence when Rachel came out. I remember looking at the food and going ick and suddenly Rachel said it looked good to her. She looks up and our girl number 1 is looking at us with her head cocked and asked if we were ok. Apparently switching mid-sentence, with a long switch, is concerning. LOL I'd agree. That we didn't control the switch is bothersome. We've been really intentional with switches 90% of the time. It's when we find we've switched and don't know it is really worry some. What if we switch at work? I've been catching myself switching at work more and more lately... Can't let that  happen...

So a very swichy day today...

Sims / Second Life

Watching one of my girl playing sims with characters designed to look like her head mates I'm struck with how neat it is to see that side of my family. They've made a pintrest board for each one of them so I already had an idea of how they see themselves. But seeing them wonder around in sims reminds me of how chaotic it is in their head sometimes with everyone milling around.

I've also seen several characters in Second Life designed after head mates in my other girl. I even did one for Akehnaten once.

So what tools have you used to express your true selves when the body doesn't "fit" who you see yourself to be?

Sarah take 2

So yesterday Sarah showed up... I didn't know much about her.

Today I heard my childhood violin playing in my head. I asked, "is that you Sarah?" and I heard back "you better believe it." Instantly I was reminded of the overwhelming desire to learn to fiddle when we were a kid. Turns out Sarah is our fiddler who's dream we never realized because we gave up in late grade school...

I then had this overwhelming desire to go buy a fiddle over lunch. Didn't... But wow...

That we've been listening to country music lately could be a pre-cursor clue that she was coming. Or by doing so she had space to come out. Or both?

So I have a country girl in me... eeekk....

The Woman Who Changed her Brain

Pointer for me: (sounds so like me in school....)

http://www.arrowsmithschool.org/arrowsmithprogram-background/pdf/How%20to%20Rewire%20a%20Brain.pdf

http://cnnradio.cnn.com/2012/09/07/the-woman-who-changed-her-brain/?hpt=hp_c2

A new one: Sarah

So last night I was off. I thought it was because of Meronym's choking insident that left her energy feeling funny.

All day I've been really sleepy and off. I thought some of it was the Indian girl behind me because her energy has been crying all day. (Her boyfriend is in India, probably getting married to somone else soon.)

All day the pressure in the back of my brain has been building. I thought it was because I was working on the  crew manifast. But nope it was someone new coming out for the first time. I was so sleepy I missed the signal that is what was happening.

I was talking to Laurel about work a bit ago and I heard my voice was closer to Rachel and I couldn't get it "male".

Then I was just at Walgreens and foolishly said if there is anyone trying to get out to go ahead. (I was tired of the brain switchy pressure.) I almost dropped all the stuff in my arms and heard my self say out loud. "Where the hell am I?" There was lots of fear. Akhenaten quickly assisted... We checked out.

We just got done with a group meeting at the round table. That is the only way we can all see what we "really" look like. She was there too...

So another one...

Maybe she is why I was so focused on blogging today. My mix seems to really be important to me today. Like greater than anything else. Abnormally so. It's normally just well... Normal. Today feels funny.

Still having trouble holding on to her. She keeps phasing away. But most of the new ones start that way. Just as new alters get tired quickly when they come out front in the system, they do inside too in the co-conscious space for a while.

So I guess I know why the alarm wasn't working earlier. She wasn't ready to hatch/break through yet.

Sleepy Time...

I can’t work today. This morning I tried and made lots of mistakes and I just gave up. I seem to be able to do my stuff. Stuff I feel doesn’t matter. But work… Too scared to fuck up. This is why I stay in positions where I’m under the raydar. I break too often to be reliable. When I’m stressed I break. I don’t feel streased today though. I just feel like someone didn’t wake up. We turned on the alarms in our head earlier today and felt two people wake. But someone is asleep and bogging us down. We frequently do have this situation and the alarms often help get everyone awake. Not working today. No idea who it is either. The main ones I hear are responding… Being a “boss” as it were this week is helping me be able to only have specific things people are looking for from me. I can hide out a bit for today. Just today…