It's always starteling when you read a job ad for the job you are doing. You know they are talking about your job from the description. We knew they would be shrinking our team. I just didn't know they were going to be replacing us with a new team. So good luck to them!
I'm amping up my job search even more now...
Starting to look at jobs that would have me travel. I promised myself not to do that again... So I guess I'm panicking.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Crashed out
Girl number 1 had teeth surgery. Then her dad died. Sever depression.
I crash around that.
Litterly crashed Sat night.
I'm still not right.
Girl number 2 isn't right either.
It will all work out.
Lots of drama right now.
Not much to really say other than taking it one day at a time.
Looking for work and that's stressing me out.
I'm seeing lots of negatives right now and lots of fear about this project ending and the cuts they are making.
Starting a business. I want to do that full time instead of working for someone else. But it isn't self substaining yet. I have good ideas, but no time to work them.
---
Last Sat night I crashed out hard. I was at the club and girl number 2 got me out of there. The flood gates opened and hords of people that have been locked up came streaming out. There was lots of panic and terror. I had an over driving urge to get out of the truck and go running/screaming. Luckily Akhenaten was able to lock down the body and we stayed put. These are people that bairly could access my Central memory core. They seem to have their own. Maybe that's why mine is so limited in size. My brain has been caved up. It took a bit to get them all settled back down in their cages. I think a few stayed out but aren't really bothering me that I can tell.
---
Why do I have these hoards of scared and angry people? This is a question I have frequently wondered. I've been getting closer and closer to them over the last few months. I've actively gone looking for them a few times. But mostly they stay a distant rattle/distractation in my head.
---
I with they would leave... Or rather I haven't found a use for them yet.
My life has sucked because of them...
Or their life has sucked because of me.
---
I'm tired of the pent up rage and anger and I can't let it out. People don't like it when you play war lord...
I crash around that.
Litterly crashed Sat night.
I'm still not right.
Girl number 2 isn't right either.
It will all work out.
Lots of drama right now.
Not much to really say other than taking it one day at a time.
Looking for work and that's stressing me out.
I'm seeing lots of negatives right now and lots of fear about this project ending and the cuts they are making.
Starting a business. I want to do that full time instead of working for someone else. But it isn't self substaining yet. I have good ideas, but no time to work them.
---
Last Sat night I crashed out hard. I was at the club and girl number 2 got me out of there. The flood gates opened and hords of people that have been locked up came streaming out. There was lots of panic and terror. I had an over driving urge to get out of the truck and go running/screaming. Luckily Akhenaten was able to lock down the body and we stayed put. These are people that bairly could access my Central memory core. They seem to have their own. Maybe that's why mine is so limited in size. My brain has been caved up. It took a bit to get them all settled back down in their cages. I think a few stayed out but aren't really bothering me that I can tell.
---
Why do I have these hoards of scared and angry people? This is a question I have frequently wondered. I've been getting closer and closer to them over the last few months. I've actively gone looking for them a few times. But mostly they stay a distant rattle/distractation in my head.
---
I with they would leave... Or rather I haven't found a use for them yet.
My life has sucked because of them...
Or their life has sucked because of me.
---
I'm tired of the pent up rage and anger and I can't let it out. People don't like it when you play war lord...
Monday, October 8, 2012
A validation experience and more [Rachel]
So girl number 2 has mentioned several times that I need to find someone else to play with me because she can't give what I need. Fair enough.
On Saturday I came out after the boys were done playing with a girl we've been talking to for a long time. She noticed the switch and I identified myself. She rolled right with it and gave me special girl attentions. It was interesting to see her change from a bottom play partner to a top with me like it was no big deal.
I don't expect a girlfriend relationship with her, but it was really nice to feel valued and needed and wanted sexually. I felt very validated as a person/alter/etc.
Fast forward to Sunday when girl number 1's slave personality was out and told me a bunch of thank yous for helping her and cooking and well I don't remember it all because I was shocked that I was appreciated by her or known. I know that they know I'm there, but I seldom hear it. I guess I need to hear it too much. It's lonely serving without acknowledgment.
On Friday and Saturday our phone went off with several different friends asking if I was going to the club this week-end. When we explained no and why we got lots of understanding and such. But that people would ask... I guess that's friendship. It feels so foreign to us still. We grew up basically friendless except for 1 or 2 we clung to.
Last night I was thinking a lot and I heard Scott talking to one of his girls about how busy the brain was that night. We definitely had a lot to think over. Main thing was reframing our roles as expectations of girl number one doing better after years of infection being gotten out of her system. We don't want to get too much hope that things will be better and yet we really need them to be. The toll on us all... it's been hard. Harder than we let ourselves acknowledge.
I need a boyfriend that will use me. Yet our life doesn't really have space for that. Akhenaten doens't have space for that... I'm scared of trying to find that and what it will mean. I guess a girlfriend could work too. As always the personality drives our response, not their body. I know the boys are afraid of being viewed as less than or loose standing at home because of me.
I took a vit b12 after lunch today. Now my tummy is hurting funny. :(
I just don't know if this line of pursute is worth the risks... Maybe they are right to push me aside as they've been doing...
Lunch is over got to go... enough rambles for now.
On Saturday I came out after the boys were done playing with a girl we've been talking to for a long time. She noticed the switch and I identified myself. She rolled right with it and gave me special girl attentions. It was interesting to see her change from a bottom play partner to a top with me like it was no big deal.
I don't expect a girlfriend relationship with her, but it was really nice to feel valued and needed and wanted sexually. I felt very validated as a person/alter/etc.
Fast forward to Sunday when girl number 1's slave personality was out and told me a bunch of thank yous for helping her and cooking and well I don't remember it all because I was shocked that I was appreciated by her or known. I know that they know I'm there, but I seldom hear it. I guess I need to hear it too much. It's lonely serving without acknowledgment.
On Friday and Saturday our phone went off with several different friends asking if I was going to the club this week-end. When we explained no and why we got lots of understanding and such. But that people would ask... I guess that's friendship. It feels so foreign to us still. We grew up basically friendless except for 1 or 2 we clung to.
Last night I was thinking a lot and I heard Scott talking to one of his girls about how busy the brain was that night. We definitely had a lot to think over. Main thing was reframing our roles as expectations of girl number one doing better after years of infection being gotten out of her system. We don't want to get too much hope that things will be better and yet we really need them to be. The toll on us all... it's been hard. Harder than we let ourselves acknowledge.
I need a boyfriend that will use me. Yet our life doesn't really have space for that. Akhenaten doens't have space for that... I'm scared of trying to find that and what it will mean. I guess a girlfriend could work too. As always the personality drives our response, not their body. I know the boys are afraid of being viewed as less than or loose standing at home because of me.
I took a vit b12 after lunch today. Now my tummy is hurting funny. :(
I just don't know if this line of pursute is worth the risks... Maybe they are right to push me aside as they've been doing...
Lunch is over got to go... enough rambles for now.
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