So girl number 2 has mentioned several times that I need to find someone else to play with me because she can't give what I need. Fair enough.
On Saturday I came out after the boys were done playing with a girl we've been talking to for a long time. She noticed the switch and I identified myself. She rolled right with it and gave me special girl attentions. It was interesting to see her change from a bottom play partner to a top with me like it was no big deal.
I don't expect a girlfriend relationship with her, but it was really nice to feel valued and needed and wanted sexually. I felt very validated as a person/alter/etc.
Fast forward to Sunday when girl number 1's slave personality was out and told me a bunch of thank yous for helping her and cooking and well I don't remember it all because I was shocked that I was appreciated by her or known. I know that they know I'm there, but I seldom hear it. I guess I need to hear it too much. It's lonely serving without acknowledgment.
On Friday and Saturday our phone went off with several different friends asking if I was going to the club this week-end. When we explained no and why we got lots of understanding and such. But that people would ask... I guess that's friendship. It feels so foreign to us still. We grew up basically friendless except for 1 or 2 we clung to.
Last night I was thinking a lot and I heard Scott talking to one of his girls about how busy the brain was that night. We definitely had a lot to think over. Main thing was reframing our roles as expectations of girl number one doing better after years of infection being gotten out of her system. We don't want to get too much hope that things will be better and yet we really need them to be. The toll on us all... it's been hard. Harder than we let ourselves acknowledge.
I need a boyfriend that will use me. Yet our life doesn't really have space for that. Akhenaten doens't have space for that... I'm scared of trying to find that and what it will mean. I guess a girlfriend could work too. As always the personality drives our response, not their body. I know the boys are afraid of being viewed as less than or loose standing at home because of me.
I took a vit b12 after lunch today. Now my tummy is hurting funny. :(
I just don't know if this line of pursute is worth the risks... Maybe they are right to push me aside as they've been doing...
Lunch is over got to go... enough rambles for now.
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