Checking in - just random tid bits

Just some random tid-bits:

Thanks Giving was a nice break. I missed seeing my first girl through most of it though due to sleeping miss-matches. That made me sad. Girl number two was out of town.

I've been sick (flu or cold) for a couple of weeks. Last of that is clearing up now. Feeling about 98% better today. Yay!

Had a major cry this last week-end over multiple issues and stressors that had been building. It was needed and helped, and that conversation cleared up a confusion between girl number two and me.

Ummm  Christmas shopping is nearly completed. Kind of. Once I get started I feel like I'm never done because I always find one more thing... But never have the money to feel finished. So at some point I just stop and say it's good enough and let myself off the hook.

Two of my kids have birthdays this month. Sad I can't be there for them. December sucks!

We've had a trio for months that are the "most out" - now Beast seems to have really solidified and enjoys coming out. He's been growing... He's not really happy with some limitations in our life - specifically around money, living location, and such. He's very irrational in his solutions. So there's some internal conversations going on around how to solve some urgent issues.

We haven't been uncontrollably spinny for a while and no one new has shown up for a while. Yay!

Last night the trio were having a conversation and telling a story, in a sense, about our perspective of something we did sexually. We all had different "concerns" around it. It felt good for everyone to be heard. It's something that is a delicate balance and some boundries and definitions of what it is and isn't needed to be ironed out.  But we were working together on it instead of one getting their way and others just having to deal.

Holiday Blues

Sitting outside at lunch today I heard really sad Christmas music. Now I'm even more depressed than normal. I wish I could find the source of that trigger and extenquish it.

Job hunting - in action

I've applied for two positions at the same company as my girl #2.

I also applied for a position at another company that could give me some really good knowlege for spinning off into my own company eventually. (Actually both companies would give me that. And really I already have it. But there is always more to learn.)


Work is getting weird as they start bringing in more and more consulatants to document what we are doing, where we are at, etc. Seems like law suite prep... Yuck!

old spirit...?!

Last night Beast was fucking... Then when we were done an image of a wolf head popped into our head and we were in that world and yet I could still see the bedroom. Dual vision... Then the head raised and it was a medicine woman.

I no longer was Beast or me... Next the ground is shacking in my teepee and I'm screaming and run out. Earth shakes. Everyone is running around. Then things calm and there is drums and singing. Language is all in Cherokee  Akhenaten saw and heard and couldn't understand. It's like an old memory and not a dream. And yet how can it be? How can any of this be?!

While we are 1/64th Cherokee, and the powwows event feel of home, this hasn't happened before. And yet the songs and language feels and sounds so familiar and every so often ring in our head. Mom has said that it feels familiar to her too. But she had a great gradma that spoke the language. I didn't...

It feels that this spirt was a fleeting presence. But for a time last night I was a teenaged Indian scared and terrified for my life.

Job Hunt

The job hunt still goes... I've actually applied for a couple positions at a company I believe is a good fit. They still have that small start up company environment that you get with a 50-100 people operation. They have room to grow in the market. Now to see if they agree I am a great fit.


I am still looking at other possibilities as well. There is another gig that I'm highly qualified for, but it's with another fortune 500 company. I'm tired of that attomospheer. But the money might be good. Still looking at it.

Still working on getting my business going. I need to figure out a marketing strategy that doesn't cost money. Ya good luck to me...

A Little Sad [rachel]

We had sex with a friend of ours and switched around some ending with me. At the time I thought everything was ok. She even talked about doing it again sometime.

But since then she seems to be avoiding us and seems to shy away from us in social settings.

Last night everyone was giving each other hugs. We got a "I just met you" hug instead of one of intimate friend. (We usually get better than that from just met you people...)

So last night I was a little sad and wonder what went wrong? (Once in bed I cried a little over it and finally decided I, and we, didn't do anything wrong.)


In the end she isn't someone we want lots of time with. But when we are together we didn't want a wall.



Sometimes you take a risk and it doesn't turn out as desired.

Checking out

I've really been checking out and switching a lot lately. When I stress I go to my less able to hand things people. Well they are handling it by shutting me down... But I need to take strong decisive domly action... Ya I just fall apart. Well I'm not fully there yet and I'm fighting through it. I still haven't applied for anything. I have one I plan to go work on right now though. Hopefully something comes from that. Letting some of my baser self out to play last night helped me feel better. Sorry girl #1...


I find I'm getting angry and depressed. I hate it. I don't know how to express my job any other way. Why am I so attached to it. Probably because I've given 9 years to this company and now I'm treated like shit. I feel betrayed and used.

Job...

It's always starteling when you read a job ad for the job you are doing. You know they are talking about your job from the description. We knew they would be shrinking our team. I just didn't know they were going to be replacing us with a new team. So good luck to them!

I'm amping up my job search even more now...


Starting to look at jobs that would have me travel. I promised myself not to do that again... So I guess I'm panicking.

Crashed out

Girl number 1 had teeth surgery. Then her dad died. Sever depression.
I crash around that.
Litterly crashed Sat night.
I'm still not right.
Girl number 2 isn't right either.
It will all work out.
Lots of drama right now.
Not much to really say other than taking it one day at a time.

Looking for work and that's stressing me out.

I'm seeing lots of negatives right now and lots of fear about this project ending and the cuts they are making.

Starting a business. I want to do that full time instead of working for someone else. But it isn't self substaining yet. I have good ideas, but no time to work them.

---

Last Sat night I crashed out hard. I was at the club and girl number 2 got me out of there. The flood gates opened and hords of people that have been locked up came streaming out. There was lots of panic and terror. I had an over driving urge to get out of the truck and go running/screaming. Luckily Akhenaten was able to lock down the body and we stayed put. These are people that bairly could access my Central memory core. They seem to have their own. Maybe that's why mine is so limited in size. My brain has been caved up. It took a bit to get them all settled back down in their cages. I think a few stayed out but aren't really bothering me that I can tell.

---

Why do I have these hoards of scared and angry people? This is a question I have frequently wondered. I've been getting closer and closer to them over the last few months. I've actively gone looking for them a few times. But mostly they stay a distant rattle/distractation in my head.

---

I with they would leave... Or rather I haven't found a use for them yet.

My life has sucked because of them...


Or their life has sucked because of me.


---

I'm tired of the pent up rage and anger and I can't let it out. People don't like it when you play war lord...

A validation experience and more [Rachel]

So girl number 2 has mentioned several times that I need to find someone else to play with me because she can't give what I need. Fair enough.

On Saturday I came out after the boys were done playing with a girl we've been talking to for a long time. She noticed the switch and I identified myself. She rolled right with it and gave me special girl attentions. It was interesting to see her change from a bottom play partner to a top with me like it was no big deal.

I don't expect a girlfriend relationship with her, but it was really nice to feel valued and needed and wanted sexually. I felt very validated as a person/alter/etc.

Fast forward to Sunday when girl number 1's slave personality was out and told me a bunch of thank yous for helping her and cooking and    well I don't remember it all because I was shocked that I was appreciated by her or known. I know that they know I'm there, but I seldom hear it. I guess I need to hear it too much. It's lonely serving without acknowledgment.

On Friday and Saturday our phone went off with several different friends asking if I was going to the club this week-end. When we explained no and why we got lots of understanding and such. But that people would ask... I guess that's friendship. It feels so foreign to us still. We grew up basically friendless except for 1 or 2 we clung to.

Last night I was thinking a lot and I heard Scott talking to one of his girls about how busy the brain was that night. We definitely had a lot to think over. Main thing was reframing our roles as expectations of girl number one doing better after years of infection being gotten out of her system. We don't want to get too much hope that things will be better and yet we really need them to be. The toll on us all... it's been hard. Harder than we  let ourselves acknowledge.

I need a boyfriend that will use me. Yet our life doesn't really have space for that. Akhenaten doens't have space for that... I'm scared of trying to find that and what it will mean. I guess a girlfriend could work too. As always the personality drives our response, not their body. I know the boys are afraid of being viewed as less than or loose standing at home because of me.

I took a vit b12 after lunch today. Now my tummy is hurting funny. :(

I just don't know if this line of pursute is worth the risks... Maybe they are right to push me aside as they've been doing...

Lunch is over got to go... enough rambles for now.

Stress increasing

I'm falling apart... I woke up this morning with some pee running down my belly. Peeing the bed. REALLY?! I used to be a bed wetter... But not since grade school. Maybe it was just a dream. But I don't think so. Stress at work has had me feeling really sick. Almost wanting to throw up sick. I know it's emotional and not a bug or something. I'm not handling seeing my friends, and family even, fired. So much for my thoughts of being a manager. I can't stand the idea of firing people that don't deserve it just because of making the books look good.

The good news today is that I found out what my responsibility will be for the next couple to six months. So knowing they plan to keep me clears up my stress some. And I'm still looking for a new job...

I'm busy getting some bugs fixed in the application I've been writing. I want to get it out ASAP to get some extra funds flowing in.

I'm busy and yet can't think... I really need some vacation!!! Oh wait I have some coming up next week! Sweet!!!!!! I hope that helps reset me a bit.

Girl number one is still stuck with the kid out. It's what the fourth day? It never goes this long... What is wrong?! I'm clinging to the idea that they'll return after the antibiotics run out of their system. That is the only thing that I can think of is blocking them in. Their system doesn't handle this antibiotic at all...

Stress at work and at home

Stress really sets off my dissociations at work they are letting a bunch of contractors go. Ones we need to actually deliver in the coming months. The people we are keeping, well they are the ones that should go... They are going off of a contract renewal cycle instead of abilities. Will there be an employee riff Friday? What about next month? We knew they were going to scale down... But I don't handle this part well at all... I'm breaking.

At the same time Girl number 1 hit her head and a child personality is out full time for several days. She can't hear her peoples but says she can feel they are there. I'm worried about it! I wish would give a sign that they are still around.

Last night I let Beast out to play. I tempered him more human and it went in a very unexpected direction. Apparently some things needed to be expressed. Yay for transferance? Holy Shit it was so text book. I was feeling powerless about my life so I found an outlet I could control and be domineering around.

Now to hunt for a new job. And apply. It's a bit hard to hide it at work... I was going to grab the laptop and head to the library for lunch to do that but was just invited to meet up with a friend. Maybe venting for a bit will help anyways.

Family

Girl 1 needs dental work. Oh god does she. Maybe it's because we are still new as a family, and I know it's mostly just me and my sense of responsibleness, but I'm having trouble feeling comfortable asking girl 2 for help in making it happen. I know if we fix this it helps all of our lives. And we are family. But I feel like I'm letting them down by not having the money for it. If I wasn't supporting my three kids I'd have it. But I'll always make sure blood is taken care of. But I also need to take care of my created family. And so I've asked for the help... But I feel less for having to do so. I know it's irrational. I guess I suck at being a user of others. I'm ok with that!

Gender Skiing

So after the high 80s to 40 through 70 swings we've been having I've started dressing for winter agian. LOL My office has been cold! Thank god they turned the AC off on Monday afternoon. So today I went walking during lunch, with the nice 73 deg weather, and heated up to the point I needed to take my sweater off. (wow)  As I pulled it off I felt myself shifting and as I put on my vest again I locked right in to Akhenaten fully. So I had a nice time walking around feeling male for a bit. As Scott I never feel male or female fully. I always have the duality. So it felt freeing. There is a grove in that space where the struggle stops. When it's present it's like trying to snow ski where there are lots of ruts pulling at you to go different directions. All the fucking time... When I can lock in only as Akhenaten there is a peace. Locked in only as Rachel... Well she's weak enough that she has to borrow lots of Scott, so the struggle is still there but not as bad as just standard Scott mode. Most of the others are out only during sex... So not thinking about it then. LOL

Last night and earlier today I had glimpses of Rachel being back in the mix. I hear her again if I think about her.

Switching for Sex

It is interesting how different people inside will be near by and I hear them easily for weeks and then they drift off and I don't hear them much for a while. Rachel is like that. I haven't really heard from her nor switched to her for a few days. Not sure why.

The reason I was thinking of this recently was because a couple nights ago girl 2 and I were having sex for like two hours and it was mostly Akhenaten and Scott. Then she went to sleep around midnight. Well I was laying there wide awake for about an hour. Somewhere in there I phased out and Mr. Peare switched in. It was gradual so I'm not sure when it was exactly. All I know is that there was another hour of sex after that. Beast had flowed through most of it all anyways at a mild level.

I figured yesterday I'd be super sleepy from getting the body to sleep after 2am. But it wasn't any sleepier than normal. In fact we were a lot more relaxed. Through all of that I was clear that four of us got our sex needs met. In reflecting on that I noticed the absence of Rachel. I'm sure she'll pop up soon.

Last night the driving need for sex just wasn't there... So soft cuddles and touches. It was nice too.


We are moving offices on Friday. My cube looks so naked and foreign all packed up... :(

Waking Up

I've known all my life that I wake up in layers. I often even feel like I'm awake and try to move and the body doesn't. That can be in the middle of the night or in the morning when someone is trying to get us up. It's really frustrating to have someone telling us to get up, Dad, Girlfriend, etc, and we are trying and nothing is happening, or so it appears. What they don't get, and I didn't understand until this morning, is that we are waking up all split up. So while I'm awake, who is out might not be. Or I might be out and awake, and others are still asleep. The internal alarm bells we set off help some, but more like 50%. They don't seem to reach everyone. When some are still asleep then our brain is slowed down. A lot. And it has the side effect of making whomever is out to be drowsy too. Hard to focus then...

What brought the layers home for me this morning is that I was ready to go to work but it wasn't time yet. I sat down on the sofa and fell back asleep. I  was still out of energy from the night before. (I went on an hour walk after work on top of bad nutrition, too much snack food and soda, and ended up with a pinched nerve and my spirit was warn out!) Anyways I noticed my body went to sleep but I was still awake but slowed and pulled deep inside. Then I had the funniest feeling of what felt like I was floating out then a bubble gum bubble popping on my nose and I had the sensation of being awake and the drowsy feeling was gone. But it was Scotty, not me. We seem to share so much of the same brain space that we feel the same, except his thoughts are very kid like and scares really easy. He's jumpy. Not too long after that we were leaving and he told Girl Number 2 about it and said it felt like something hit his nose. He rode to work for a few mins then I started yawning and woke back up and he phased out. We just can't hold him out very long.

The layers, which I used to call my waking up phases, were always us waking up as personalities. Just when they were hidden inside I couldn't comprehend what was wrong and why I was so different.

We are still struggling to all fully wake up and it's 2pm. Even after eating breakfast and lunch, and multiple sodas with caffeine. This is nothing new and I struggle like this just about every day to wake up. Finally anywhere from 3-7pm I'll wake up. It's like someone has to keep sleeping, or we take turns, until we get enough.

Every year we have about 3 to 4 days where we wake up ready and rearing to go. We can't figure out how to make it happen everyday. We hate to go to sleep because we finally woke up when it's time to sleep. So we stay up too late and then can't wake up. We've tried multiple times to go to bed earlier but it doesn't seem to help and just makes our day really short.

Sleep disorder?

Yesterday I started taking vit. B-12. Hoping that helps!

Day off of work

I took today off work to drive girl number 1 to the Dentist. While there I was interpreting. That tends to pull Rachel out a touch. But Akhenaten was worried about his girl so we kept it visibly him. Although I heard Scott's voice frequently as things started tipping towards Rachel and especially when we were in full on interpreting mode instead of partner mode.

So I'm in the middle of working on some graphics today and my girl number 1 starts talking and Mr. Peare's voice and thoughts are answering her. And I'm like wait... You are the graphics person? Apparently so. So why didn't I know that? And why was I hearing Scott's thoughts in my head right before then?

Apparently Gay Dude was putting dinner together while I was thinking about the above happenings. And it occurred to us that when Mr. Peare helps with dinner is when it gets fancier than normal. Again I didn't know  Gay Dude was out until we started talking to ourselves, out loud.

Today at lunch I apparently was mid sentence when Rachel came out. I remember looking at the food and going ick and suddenly Rachel said it looked good to her. She looks up and our girl number 1 is looking at us with her head cocked and asked if we were ok. Apparently switching mid-sentence, with a long switch, is concerning. LOL I'd agree. That we didn't control the switch is bothersome. We've been really intentional with switches 90% of the time. It's when we find we've switched and don't know it is really worry some. What if we switch at work? I've been catching myself switching at work more and more lately... Can't let that  happen...

So a very swichy day today...

Sims / Second Life

Watching one of my girl playing sims with characters designed to look like her head mates I'm struck with how neat it is to see that side of my family. They've made a pintrest board for each one of them so I already had an idea of how they see themselves. But seeing them wonder around in sims reminds me of how chaotic it is in their head sometimes with everyone milling around.

I've also seen several characters in Second Life designed after head mates in my other girl. I even did one for Akehnaten once.

So what tools have you used to express your true selves when the body doesn't "fit" who you see yourself to be?

Sarah take 2

So yesterday Sarah showed up... I didn't know much about her.

Today I heard my childhood violin playing in my head. I asked, "is that you Sarah?" and I heard back "you better believe it." Instantly I was reminded of the overwhelming desire to learn to fiddle when we were a kid. Turns out Sarah is our fiddler who's dream we never realized because we gave up in late grade school...

I then had this overwhelming desire to go buy a fiddle over lunch. Didn't... But wow...

That we've been listening to country music lately could be a pre-cursor clue that she was coming. Or by doing so she had space to come out. Or both?

So I have a country girl in me... eeekk....

The Woman Who Changed her Brain

Pointer for me: (sounds so like me in school....)

http://www.arrowsmithschool.org/arrowsmithprogram-background/pdf/How%20to%20Rewire%20a%20Brain.pdf

http://cnnradio.cnn.com/2012/09/07/the-woman-who-changed-her-brain/?hpt=hp_c2

A new one: Sarah

So last night I was off. I thought it was because of Meronym's choking insident that left her energy feeling funny.

All day I've been really sleepy and off. I thought some of it was the Indian girl behind me because her energy has been crying all day. (Her boyfriend is in India, probably getting married to somone else soon.)

All day the pressure in the back of my brain has been building. I thought it was because I was working on the  crew manifast. But nope it was someone new coming out for the first time. I was so sleepy I missed the signal that is what was happening.

I was talking to Laurel about work a bit ago and I heard my voice was closer to Rachel and I couldn't get it "male".

Then I was just at Walgreens and foolishly said if there is anyone trying to get out to go ahead. (I was tired of the brain switchy pressure.) I almost dropped all the stuff in my arms and heard my self say out loud. "Where the hell am I?" There was lots of fear. Akhenaten quickly assisted... We checked out.

We just got done with a group meeting at the round table. That is the only way we can all see what we "really" look like. She was there too...

So another one...

Maybe she is why I was so focused on blogging today. My mix seems to really be important to me today. Like greater than anything else. Abnormally so. It's normally just well... Normal. Today feels funny.

Still having trouble holding on to her. She keeps phasing away. But most of the new ones start that way. Just as new alters get tired quickly when they come out front in the system, they do inside too in the co-conscious space for a while.

So I guess I know why the alarm wasn't working earlier. She wasn't ready to hatch/break through yet.

Sleepy Time...

I can’t work today. This morning I tried and made lots of mistakes and I just gave up. I seem to be able to do my stuff. Stuff I feel doesn’t matter. But work… Too scared to fuck up. This is why I stay in positions where I’m under the raydar. I break too often to be reliable. When I’m stressed I break. I don’t feel streased today though. I just feel like someone didn’t wake up. We turned on the alarms in our head earlier today and felt two people wake. But someone is asleep and bogging us down. We frequently do have this situation and the alarms often help get everyone awake. Not working today. No idea who it is either. The main ones I hear are responding… Being a “boss” as it were this week is helping me be able to only have specific things people are looking for from me. I can hide out a bit for today. Just today…

Waking up screaming

Last night I had a great massage and it pulled Rachel out a bit stronger than the others but we were fairly mixed up. The massage really helps relax and excite us at the same time.

We tried to get sexual and it just wasn't working. Gave up and went to sleep.

We couldn't hear Akhenaten right then...

I thought I was awake, the brain was really noisy... I kept hearing Rachel saying loudly, rape me, over and over. Then I heard someone just screaming and then I woke up and my voice went from inside screaming to outside screaming and my breathing speed up and my heart raced as I came to. So apparently I was awake in the brain with the body asleep... 

Multiple interesting points to ponder there.

Helpless

I have a friend that is really depressed today. Woke up that way. I get it and have been there so many times. She says she thinks she should go to the doctor. I agree. She's in the middle of some huge life changes and could probably use some bridging to get through it. But it leaves me feeling so helpless as a friend. My empathy really gets in the way! But I can't be any other way. Cold hearten bastered just doesn't fit.

tears...

Why the hell am I blogging. I guess it's an opportunity to express what I want to say out loud to helpfully an audience that gets it. (So if you don't understand MPD or DID then I'm confusing you and boring you so why are you here?!)

I cried myself to sleep last night. I looked at what happened in my life yesterday today and couldn't find any logical reason fir it. I am sad about my girl #1 not being able to do much due to her sickness. I cuddled up to girl #2 and cried. Maybe that conversation about wanting more with girl #1 and missing each other "broke the camels back" because it shouldn't have lead to crying. Maybe it was seeing new pictures of the kids, whom I haven't seen for a long time. Maybe it's my ex telling me that she still loves me out of the blue yesterday. Maybe it's because my marriage anniversary is tomorrow. Maybe I just needed a good cry? Too often I cry without knowing why. Often if feels very girly and confusing. This felt of a man regretting decisions of my past... Some things can't be un-done. As much as I don't let them hold me back I can't be free of them. They torment me...

So merry fucking happy anniversary to me... Too broke to get divorced. Way more connected to the ex than I can get out of.

New Job Hunt

We've been on the hunt for a new job for months. We get really depressed at the thought working for someone else but don't want to bring in a financial partner that will own most of the business cause that would be the same thing. And we don't have the money to just go it alone right now. So our plan has been to work for someone that will pay us more for now and save up money to move and start a new business. So back to being depressed because we'll be working for someone else. As much as we look ahead we can't stand the journey... So there is this company that we've been looking at that we think would be "ok" to work for as a next step. But they keep taking down the job listings I'm customizing my resume for before I get it done. Just happened again. So close this time... So back to the hunt... For now back to my current job...

Last night...

The birth of a new personality? Who knows…

Last night was horrible. I was trying to get to sleep and my head was chaos. I thought sex would help quite things down. But it didn’t enough.  After that I felt like someone was on the inside jumping on my diaphragm. I felt soo nauseous. To the point I rolled carefully off the bed in case I was going to throw up. It felt like someone new came out but the body wasn’t connected right. Holy shit my lips felt fat and my speech was slurred and wouldn’t sound right.

For a bit I heard myself growling as something else unknown to me come out. It has huge muscles. I felt everything bulk up and later had cramps in multiple locations on my body. It seems more animal than anything. Yet we could think clearly at the same time, just none of us were really “out” right then.

Eventually I stumbled off to the kitchen and ate some cheese. And then crashed and slept hard.

I couldn’t stand to be touched through all this. My poor girl was trying to help comfort and steady me. It was a process we apparently needed to go through. It sucked ass!

Today during lunch the guy with the Irish accent came out really strong and felt really confussed why he was there and eating. He enjoyed our lasania lunch. The phone confussed him and was surprised when I reached over and turned it off. I could take over and we could talk inside. We normally can’t. He was out for only about five minutes, but we usely only get a phrase or two out of him before he’s gone. So that was the longest he’s been out.

Last night we heard his name: Pi'erre

But he’s from Dublin. Name doesn’t fit.

He commented last night it was good to be out of that debtors prison. Maybe he’s a  cage rattler? I think we’ve had multiple…

So WTF is he for? And this body doesn’t fit him at all…

Uncomforts

More or less we are settled back down after getting that surprise news.

Two things of note that left some uncomforts as it were:

Last night after some fun sex Rachel came out and we instantly felt a little sad and resigned. She understands that in the big picture all of this is for the best. But she still feels a bit betrayed. We aren't sure why. And that isn't really it. Just the nearest description we can come up with.

The other interesting event was this morning when Gracelyn dropped me off for work. They just got done merging. (Grace and Lynn) Since I'm not intimate with either, yet have become used to affection from their primary when I'm leaving for work, it left me a bit lost as to how I should proceed and get that "complete" feeling I was looking for. A few light touches gave me a sense of connection, but not the depth I'm used to. We'll find a groove eventually.

The Crying

Rachel was sobbing last night after hearing her guy Jarret was going away. (He's an alter in another system and has decided to go "on vacation" or dorment for a while.) She's been trying for weeks to get him to come play and hasn't understood why he wouldn't. In the end she knew he didn't have the characteristics she is looking for in a play partner. But she loves him anyways. So it hurt to get the sudo-dear-john message. She gets that he needs to be true to who he is. She just wants him to be different...

It was bothersome to all of our system that he didn't raise more of his concerns and issues before deciding to go away. But in the end most of it can't be changed. I guess it doesn't matter...

Rachel hurting makes us all hurt at one level or another... It's like we share a brain or something. LOL


This reminds us of many other crushes and partners that don't recipicate the same level of attention and desire we have for them. It hurts... Being in the wrong body, and each of us feel that way, just sucks. None of us feel comfortable here. It's never worked right. But Rachel just doesn't have a chance to actually be the girl she is when she is out in this body.

Even though she was crying and expressing her hurt last night she knew it was for the best. She can't "change her man" or anything like that. He either wants her or not. He is happy or not. And she can't "fix" anything. She wanted to plead and beg him to stay. But if he isn't happy then none of that would matter and would be bad in the long run for him to stay if he isn't happy.

The saddest part for her is that she loved him freely and it stopped being recipicated but wasn't explained why until it was too late.

So he's gone... And she really does wish him well and happiness. Even if that is to be "off".



By the way it was our monthlyversary yesterday. Not such as happy celebration... :( As much as it wasn't about the primaries of our systems this even left me feeling really distant and a bit uncomfortable to be close to the others.

Lunch

Why is eating out lunch so expensive? $12 for something I think should be $8. Location... So maybe this restaurant will survive in that space where many others have failed. They stay busy. Just don't like their prices though...

So why do I spend it? Well Rachel and Akhenaten are food snobs. We love tasty, rich, delicious ethnic foods. Thai being one of our favorites.

It occurs to me that I forgot to mention one of us the other day. There is also Gay Guy. He's mostly a clothing and food utility personality. You'd think he'd apply sexually but he doesn't really. He has thoughts and lusts, but doesn't really go after them.


I was asked today at lunch who plays when it comes to BDSM. While Scott can be, and often is, out for the flirting/playful joking with SAMs to get them to go play, it's Akhenaten that has the implements and controls them when it gets time for actual play. Depending on how primal it gets sometimes we'll move over to Mike. We shy from letting him out because it's acracy and caring just isn't there. He's balls to the wall full out rage or play, depending on our emotions and needs. When play is over Scott and/or Rachel will come out and do after care to make sure we didn't harm you and get/give cuddles.

Depression

I can't handle being around others with it. It pulls me down. HARD. So what to do when one of my girls has a personality that is depressed and others that aren't? And she has a phobia about seeing a therapist? I can't seem to get her the help she needs because she refuses it... Very frustrating.

I found myself weeping after talking with her yesterday and it took much time to work out exactly what triggured it. I realized that I made up a meaning about something she said that she didn't actually say or mean. But it connectioned some thoughts and fears I've been pushing away.

It doesn't make sense to keep her in my life to be what I want her to be when she can't but. But I don't want her out of it. Yes I'm making it about me. And that is why I've been pushing it aside. That is shallow. But it's nawing at me... At the end of the day I feel like I'm the only one putting effort into our relationship and know she can never be what I want her to be for me due to her physical illness.

Long term chronic pain has her depressed and there is no fix for this... Doctors just can't help her.

She says she'd be better in the North West. I believe that because I see how low humidity/cool days have her in a much better place. I can't afford to move right now even if I found someone to hire me out there.

Work may give me that opportunity if this project goes bust...

Intro

So if you found this blog you should know it's designed as a place to express the little things that I just need to un-cage from my brain. Things I just need to let go. Or something important that has come up.

I don't know yet if I'll share this with friends. ya...


I saw on tv once an inmate that jumped up on the side of the cage he was in and started jerking back and forth like a chimp does. I have that feeling frequently in my brain. I then get a feeling of anger or at least high distraction. Sometimes Mike will come out and growl a bit. We quickly put him back in if we are at work.

Oh I didn't mention I have multiple personalities living in my brain. They call is a disorder I call it my life. They call it DID. I call it me.



We know of:
[Primary]
Akhenaten
Rachel

those are the main three.

Once in a while Mike or Scotty will pop out.

We hear someone talking with an Irish, or something, accent now and then.

We think we feel and sometimes hear echos of others deeper inside that don't come out yet.


We know understand why we used to stare out the window at school and at home. We still do it at work sometimes and have to pull ourselves back to focus.

Memory sucks...

We built a round table room in our brain after we learned other multiples had build constructions for placement and conversations. That helps us have group chats about what the system as a whole wants.

We are often sad and even cry without knowing why. We've done that since childhood. Well this year we finally found two personalities that are chronically depressed and sad and we are working on things. It's not going so well as far as making any difference other than just acknowledging item after item that just doesn't work or match that person.

More later... Time to work again. Just had to get this distraction out of the way. Damn ADD...