3 Days Later...[Akhenaten]

Stress what stress?!


Great week-end on many fronts.

Friday night had a partner swap date. I kind of fell apart as everyone tried to get out at the same time. I ended up spinning and spinning. Finally I realized I needed food because I hadn't had much dinner. Food helped and we had more fun. Then we woke up Saturday and went some more. Rachel again had some good fun in all that and was made to feel wanted. She cried...

The big surprise Saturday was the seizure girl number one had an a personality showed up that has been gone for a long time. (Right after my date left.) And the existing integrated personality seemed to go away. So now my girl is back. The quality of my existence with the personality out in that body really makes a difference in how I feel inside me. I know that is dangerous and co-dependent and it is how it is...

I do find it a really odd co-incidence that she shows up right after we had just had a big major fight. But we had worked through a lot of problems in that fight. At least some things were said that were over due. So I'm left wondering if their brain's fix was to re-set to who I indicated I wanted...

Now that she's back I can sexually touch that body again. That relaxed a major stress. I need to feel safe in my own home. Part of that is being able to act on my urges and know that they are wanted.


Girl number 2 and I had some really great bonding time as well this week-end with a couple of her personalities and mine. It was very needed! Scott got some bottoming time with her in an unexpected but desired twist in our dynamic. We wouldn't be able to handle a steady diet of it, but he's been needing what he got. We could tell she wasn't very comfortable doing it... That is reassuring in it's own right. LOL

I also spent some time with another personality last night that was hit really hard when her "sister slave" was put into storage. I finally got to feel and express some feelings and emotions about that event... I needed to let it out. She seemed to be the right one to do that with... We both have a sense of loss over this and understand why it was needed and don't want it. Now Rachel has lost one and Akhenaten has lost one in that system... After all the loss I've had with girl #1 I'm just not feeling it as much and have learned that change in the mix seems to be a constant. But it still hurts.

I was just teasing that personality that I didn't love her as we were playing. That was a lie...


Looking forward to this next week-end. Big Con. Never been to one before.


I'm at work early and haven't gotten started yet. I don't want the good in my head to end with work reality. But here it goes...

Stress

Seems all my relationships are falling apart... I seem to be upsetting my family lately. I'm not even understanding all they are upset at me for which is typical when I get stressed. I'm getting lost... I need out. I have urges to run away. Just leave it all behind. I don't want those results. But holding it together is getting really impossible feeling. A new job would fix big parts of that. Waiting to hear... They said just wait they are working on something for me... Wondering if I should keep looking...  Just want to pass out and wake up with everything all better. Tired of the nightmare...

STD Pannel

I got a call today - full std panel came back with everything negative. Yay! Another round in May just to double check is coming up.

Rage

I've been feeling a bit out of control the last few days. Just surging feelings of rage. Just feeling like I can't get my life back under control. Too many moving parts. I just can't keep up. They people have moved on when I'm ready for them.

My job interview went well I heard and they are considering me for the position role I had first applied for a while back. (They had filled that slot with someone else.) So that is good news. But I'm left waiting until they get some things sorted out.

I'm just frustrated at work...


I have been thinking about girl #1 and me a lot lately. I'm wondering where this new path is headed since the BDSM collar came off and we've started over. When she was multiple I understood my role and how that drifted with different alters. Since she's integrated I'm a bit lost as to how I should relate. All of our old agreements are gone so I'm floundering in trying to figure out what we are and how we fit together. If at all. She says she needs time to sort though some stuff. But I'm worried that I'll always be a reminder of what set her into this place to begin with. Is it safe for her to stay with me? For her... I'm probably always going to remind her of her past because that is the kind of person I am. We had agreements and space for that initially. And now... It's all up in the air. I don't hand up in the air on-goingly well. And yet the last couple of years it's been that.

I should have been heart broken when the collar came off... It really didn't phase me. I'd already spent years morning the loss of what we had. It really was the logical conclusion. I hate it! I don't like this...

Now I cry. Right before a meeting. Great...


l8tr.

Aids

So I had my first aids test yesterday. (Well technically second because of the one I had last Monday with the other testing, but I haven't gotten those results yet...) I'm glad I did for several reasons.

One is that I used to have a boyfriend who's SO died of aids. I almost always used a condom with him. But there were those times we didn't. I had kids since then and since they didn't pop positive I figured I wasn't. (Really shitty way to know I know.) And others I'm playing with have been tested and they didn't pop positive.

Well I've learned a lot about being responsible with my sexual health very recently and over time. It was time that I moved from fear and into being proactive.

For years I had fears that I had it and it just hadn't taken over my system yet. And yet I always "knew" I was clean. So I never really knew for sure... Now I know I don't have it. So yay! (Waiting on the blood test version before I do the happy jig. This was a mouth swab...) And in some ways I feel a bit sad. My connection to someone I used to love is broken. As fucked up as that is...

So now I get to focus on staying clean. The free love side of me hates that. The drive to live is excited about it. Ughh...

I wasn't expecting to feel this way... Seems like I should be super happy about it. And most of us are. We haven't identified the voice that is sad on this one yet... probably part of Scott...

Upset little and Job Interview

Two days ago I was watching this presentation that my girl was talking about in http://multiplicityofme.blogspot.com/2013/03/did-presentation-me.html

I found myself going to bed with girl #2 with Scotty (5yo) out and seemed a bit upset. Then he was talking about something he regretted doing to our mom and he disappeared. Akhenaten came out and we moved on to sex. I didn't think much about it... Until yesterday we had a really horrible day. We were upset in weird ways. Super sleepy. Never woke up all the way. So last night we went to be alone at 8:30pm. Almost instanly I heard Rachel and Scotty talking about the night before and that seemed to reach a resolution. Almost instanly we felt peaceful and drifted off to sleep. Today the only fall out is that we are a bit sleepier than normal but we are making it today just fine. Luckily! Because today we had a job interview follow up. It seemed to go well as best as we can tell. Before we started we debated if it would be Akhenaten or Scott at the interview. We decided it would be the one that is to be out there with others supporting if needed. Scott did great we think. So now we wait to see if they thought so too.

Seems Rachel has been increasing her role of compationate intuitive. She's been writing to someone we've thought of playing with in the past that is also multiple who is having a hard time of it right now. She's a bit more blunt and simplistic than us boys, but it's the same message and sentiment. We are worried about her.

Happy

So after my brain exploded it opened some communication channels all around my family. Those conversations have made me feel a lot better about us and where we are and what we mean to each other.

Girl number 1 and I are starting over. Progress is slow but steady.

Girl number 2 and I re-based our relationship. Make up sex is hot!



In summary: I'm happy



It feels nice to be happy. I haven't been there in years. The low level depression is almost not noticable now.


There are some life weights around money and my kids. But now so loud now.

Dr

So the long awaited STD testing was done today. Yay. Waiting for results now...

Got a finger up my butt for my trouble. LOL First time at the Dr. I'm like is that all?