Last night...

The birth of a new personality? Who knows…

Last night was horrible. I was trying to get to sleep and my head was chaos. I thought sex would help quite things down. But it didn’t enough.  After that I felt like someone was on the inside jumping on my diaphragm. I felt soo nauseous. To the point I rolled carefully off the bed in case I was going to throw up. It felt like someone new came out but the body wasn’t connected right. Holy shit my lips felt fat and my speech was slurred and wouldn’t sound right.

For a bit I heard myself growling as something else unknown to me come out. It has huge muscles. I felt everything bulk up and later had cramps in multiple locations on my body. It seems more animal than anything. Yet we could think clearly at the same time, just none of us were really “out” right then.

Eventually I stumbled off to the kitchen and ate some cheese. And then crashed and slept hard.

I couldn’t stand to be touched through all this. My poor girl was trying to help comfort and steady me. It was a process we apparently needed to go through. It sucked ass!

Today during lunch the guy with the Irish accent came out really strong and felt really confussed why he was there and eating. He enjoyed our lasania lunch. The phone confussed him and was surprised when I reached over and turned it off. I could take over and we could talk inside. We normally can’t. He was out for only about five minutes, but we usely only get a phrase or two out of him before he’s gone. So that was the longest he’s been out.

Last night we heard his name: Pi'erre

But he’s from Dublin. Name doesn’t fit.

He commented last night it was good to be out of that debtors prison. Maybe he’s a  cage rattler? I think we’ve had multiple…

So WTF is he for? And this body doesn’t fit him at all…

Uncomforts

More or less we are settled back down after getting that surprise news.

Two things of note that left some uncomforts as it were:

Last night after some fun sex Rachel came out and we instantly felt a little sad and resigned. She understands that in the big picture all of this is for the best. But she still feels a bit betrayed. We aren't sure why. And that isn't really it. Just the nearest description we can come up with.

The other interesting event was this morning when Gracelyn dropped me off for work. They just got done merging. (Grace and Lynn) Since I'm not intimate with either, yet have become used to affection from their primary when I'm leaving for work, it left me a bit lost as to how I should proceed and get that "complete" feeling I was looking for. A few light touches gave me a sense of connection, but not the depth I'm used to. We'll find a groove eventually.

The Crying

Rachel was sobbing last night after hearing her guy Jarret was going away. (He's an alter in another system and has decided to go "on vacation" or dorment for a while.) She's been trying for weeks to get him to come play and hasn't understood why he wouldn't. In the end she knew he didn't have the characteristics she is looking for in a play partner. But she loves him anyways. So it hurt to get the sudo-dear-john message. She gets that he needs to be true to who he is. She just wants him to be different...

It was bothersome to all of our system that he didn't raise more of his concerns and issues before deciding to go away. But in the end most of it can't be changed. I guess it doesn't matter...

Rachel hurting makes us all hurt at one level or another... It's like we share a brain or something. LOL


This reminds us of many other crushes and partners that don't recipicate the same level of attention and desire we have for them. It hurts... Being in the wrong body, and each of us feel that way, just sucks. None of us feel comfortable here. It's never worked right. But Rachel just doesn't have a chance to actually be the girl she is when she is out in this body.

Even though she was crying and expressing her hurt last night she knew it was for the best. She can't "change her man" or anything like that. He either wants her or not. He is happy or not. And she can't "fix" anything. She wanted to plead and beg him to stay. But if he isn't happy then none of that would matter and would be bad in the long run for him to stay if he isn't happy.

The saddest part for her is that she loved him freely and it stopped being recipicated but wasn't explained why until it was too late.

So he's gone... And she really does wish him well and happiness. Even if that is to be "off".



By the way it was our monthlyversary yesterday. Not such as happy celebration... :( As much as it wasn't about the primaries of our systems this even left me feeling really distant and a bit uncomfortable to be close to the others.

Lunch

Why is eating out lunch so expensive? $12 for something I think should be $8. Location... So maybe this restaurant will survive in that space where many others have failed. They stay busy. Just don't like their prices though...

So why do I spend it? Well Rachel and Akhenaten are food snobs. We love tasty, rich, delicious ethnic foods. Thai being one of our favorites.

It occurs to me that I forgot to mention one of us the other day. There is also Gay Guy. He's mostly a clothing and food utility personality. You'd think he'd apply sexually but he doesn't really. He has thoughts and lusts, but doesn't really go after them.


I was asked today at lunch who plays when it comes to BDSM. While Scott can be, and often is, out for the flirting/playful joking with SAMs to get them to go play, it's Akhenaten that has the implements and controls them when it gets time for actual play. Depending on how primal it gets sometimes we'll move over to Mike. We shy from letting him out because it's acracy and caring just isn't there. He's balls to the wall full out rage or play, depending on our emotions and needs. When play is over Scott and/or Rachel will come out and do after care to make sure we didn't harm you and get/give cuddles.

Depression

I can't handle being around others with it. It pulls me down. HARD. So what to do when one of my girls has a personality that is depressed and others that aren't? And she has a phobia about seeing a therapist? I can't seem to get her the help she needs because she refuses it... Very frustrating.

I found myself weeping after talking with her yesterday and it took much time to work out exactly what triggured it. I realized that I made up a meaning about something she said that she didn't actually say or mean. But it connectioned some thoughts and fears I've been pushing away.

It doesn't make sense to keep her in my life to be what I want her to be when she can't but. But I don't want her out of it. Yes I'm making it about me. And that is why I've been pushing it aside. That is shallow. But it's nawing at me... At the end of the day I feel like I'm the only one putting effort into our relationship and know she can never be what I want her to be for me due to her physical illness.

Long term chronic pain has her depressed and there is no fix for this... Doctors just can't help her.

She says she'd be better in the North West. I believe that because I see how low humidity/cool days have her in a much better place. I can't afford to move right now even if I found someone to hire me out there.

Work may give me that opportunity if this project goes bust...

Intro

So if you found this blog you should know it's designed as a place to express the little things that I just need to un-cage from my brain. Things I just need to let go. Or something important that has come up.

I don't know yet if I'll share this with friends. ya...


I saw on tv once an inmate that jumped up on the side of the cage he was in and started jerking back and forth like a chimp does. I have that feeling frequently in my brain. I then get a feeling of anger or at least high distraction. Sometimes Mike will come out and growl a bit. We quickly put him back in if we are at work.

Oh I didn't mention I have multiple personalities living in my brain. They call is a disorder I call it my life. They call it DID. I call it me.



We know of:
[Primary]
Akhenaten
Rachel

those are the main three.

Once in a while Mike or Scotty will pop out.

We hear someone talking with an Irish, or something, accent now and then.

We think we feel and sometimes hear echos of others deeper inside that don't come out yet.


We know understand why we used to stare out the window at school and at home. We still do it at work sometimes and have to pull ourselves back to focus.

Memory sucks...

We built a round table room in our brain after we learned other multiples had build constructions for placement and conversations. That helps us have group chats about what the system as a whole wants.

We are often sad and even cry without knowing why. We've done that since childhood. Well this year we finally found two personalities that are chronically depressed and sad and we are working on things. It's not going so well as far as making any difference other than just acknowledging item after item that just doesn't work or match that person.

More later... Time to work again. Just had to get this distraction out of the way. Damn ADD...