The Crying

Rachel was sobbing last night after hearing her guy Jarret was going away. (He's an alter in another system and has decided to go "on vacation" or dorment for a while.) She's been trying for weeks to get him to come play and hasn't understood why he wouldn't. In the end she knew he didn't have the characteristics she is looking for in a play partner. But she loves him anyways. So it hurt to get the sudo-dear-john message. She gets that he needs to be true to who he is. She just wants him to be different...

It was bothersome to all of our system that he didn't raise more of his concerns and issues before deciding to go away. But in the end most of it can't be changed. I guess it doesn't matter...

Rachel hurting makes us all hurt at one level or another... It's like we share a brain or something. LOL


This reminds us of many other crushes and partners that don't recipicate the same level of attention and desire we have for them. It hurts... Being in the wrong body, and each of us feel that way, just sucks. None of us feel comfortable here. It's never worked right. But Rachel just doesn't have a chance to actually be the girl she is when she is out in this body.

Even though she was crying and expressing her hurt last night she knew it was for the best. She can't "change her man" or anything like that. He either wants her or not. He is happy or not. And she can't "fix" anything. She wanted to plead and beg him to stay. But if he isn't happy then none of that would matter and would be bad in the long run for him to stay if he isn't happy.

The saddest part for her is that she loved him freely and it stopped being recipicated but wasn't explained why until it was too late.

So he's gone... And she really does wish him well and happiness. Even if that is to be "off".



By the way it was our monthlyversary yesterday. Not such as happy celebration... :( As much as it wasn't about the primaries of our systems this even left me feeling really distant and a bit uncomfortable to be close to the others.