But there are things to handle that over shadow that excitement.
I saw my kids. That was hard. But I'm glad I did it. I needed to see them again after not seeing them for three (???) years. And it hurt to say good bye. I drove all night to get home. I knew if I stopped to sleep I wouldn't want to start driving again. I was tired and burned out and just had one thought. I have to get home. Along the trip home it became I have to get home and fuck. When I finally did I almost threw up because my body was so fucked up from lack of sleep and nerves.
I foolishly bottomed at the club Sat night. I was still in charge, but I got a good blow job that sent me sailing high. I needed to relax and enjoy for it bit. It felt great. But then I crashed out bad after that night. I felt it coming on. I went out to eat to try to get rid of it. Just too many feelings were bottled up that needed to get out... But they stayed bottled and I dropped further on Sunday. Sat night I needed after care and the person I was looking for it from wasn't available and the others that I could get it from left like ten mins later. So I was alone...
Yesterday I saw much ado... I enjoyed it. As we left I got a deep sense of forboading and needy and jumbled brain. I couldn't express how much I needed my girl to stay with me. It just wouldn't come out.
I was alone alot as my other girl needed to sleep. I thought I would have to deal with the cat dieing myself. I was still dropped. I was depressed. My personalities were all jumbled.
I held it together. Kind of. I had to...
Yesterday I had a major breakdown and panic attack. The worst of it at walmart. I couldn't find anyone to handle it except for Sarah and Mike. Sarah first. Then Mike when she couldn't hold it together anymore. No skin off his back. But it was hard to "hunt" and shop at the same time. We got out of there without causing any problems. But that "Nigger", as he put it, needed to be cut up. We obviously didn't let him. And we don't think like that. So it was a huge surprise to us. And not... We keep him locked up inside for so many reasons. But we made it home...
Scott sent an email to girl number two he should't have... shit... now we have a mess to clean up around an issue. again... again again again.... We just don't now how to fix it and we are doing worse every week around it.
We were headed to bed when our cat started down the final path to die. So Akhenaten came out to help girl number one through that process. Lots of tears all around...
We didn't get to bed last night due to the timing. And I stayed up to take the cat to be cremated. I almost break down after dropping him off... I just got home.
I should go sleep... I really don't want to. But I was trying to get caught up on my missed sleep from my long trip to WI and back last week... I need to sleep... Too numb to really give a shit right now.
I'm tired of holding it together. I so want to give up.
The new job helps. But I still have to pass the background checks and such. There is stuff I need to be doing for it today that I'm way too tired to do now... I was told on Friday I have three days. I'm hoping that's three business days. I'll deal with it Tue.
I wish saying all this would help. Its not.
Time to go see if I can sleep. Maybe I've shut down the voices enough...
I need to be held... but I'm alone. I'd get girl number one to do it but she has her own shit to handle and is asleep. Not going to wake her...
Everything is going great - new job, divorse is going well, cat isn't suffering anymore - so what is with the lack of emotional control, crying, breakdown of my personalities, and all this mental crap?!
