Waking up screaming

Last night I had a great massage and it pulled Rachel out a bit stronger than the others but we were fairly mixed up. The massage really helps relax and excite us at the same time.

We tried to get sexual and it just wasn't working. Gave up and went to sleep.

We couldn't hear Akhenaten right then...

I thought I was awake, the brain was really noisy... I kept hearing Rachel saying loudly, rape me, over and over. Then I heard someone just screaming and then I woke up and my voice went from inside screaming to outside screaming and my breathing speed up and my heart raced as I came to. So apparently I was awake in the brain with the body asleep... 

Multiple interesting points to ponder there.

Helpless

I have a friend that is really depressed today. Woke up that way. I get it and have been there so many times. She says she thinks she should go to the doctor. I agree. She's in the middle of some huge life changes and could probably use some bridging to get through it. But it leaves me feeling so helpless as a friend. My empathy really gets in the way! But I can't be any other way. Cold hearten bastered just doesn't fit.

tears...

Why the hell am I blogging. I guess it's an opportunity to express what I want to say out loud to helpfully an audience that gets it. (So if you don't understand MPD or DID then I'm confusing you and boring you so why are you here?!)

I cried myself to sleep last night. I looked at what happened in my life yesterday today and couldn't find any logical reason fir it. I am sad about my girl #1 not being able to do much due to her sickness. I cuddled up to girl #2 and cried. Maybe that conversation about wanting more with girl #1 and missing each other "broke the camels back" because it shouldn't have lead to crying. Maybe it was seeing new pictures of the kids, whom I haven't seen for a long time. Maybe it's my ex telling me that she still loves me out of the blue yesterday. Maybe it's because my marriage anniversary is tomorrow. Maybe I just needed a good cry? Too often I cry without knowing why. Often if feels very girly and confusing. This felt of a man regretting decisions of my past... Some things can't be un-done. As much as I don't let them hold me back I can't be free of them. They torment me...

So merry fucking happy anniversary to me... Too broke to get divorced. Way more connected to the ex than I can get out of.

New Job Hunt

We've been on the hunt for a new job for months. We get really depressed at the thought working for someone else but don't want to bring in a financial partner that will own most of the business cause that would be the same thing. And we don't have the money to just go it alone right now. So our plan has been to work for someone that will pay us more for now and save up money to move and start a new business. So back to being depressed because we'll be working for someone else. As much as we look ahead we can't stand the journey... So there is this company that we've been looking at that we think would be "ok" to work for as a next step. But they keep taking down the job listings I'm customizing my resume for before I get it done. Just happened again. So close this time... So back to the hunt... For now back to my current job...