Holiday Blues

Sitting outside at lunch today I heard really sad Christmas music. Now I'm even more depressed than normal. I wish I could find the source of that trigger and extenquish it.

Job hunting - in action

I've applied for two positions at the same company as my girl #2.

I also applied for a position at another company that could give me some really good knowlege for spinning off into my own company eventually. (Actually both companies would give me that. And really I already have it. But there is always more to learn.)


Work is getting weird as they start bringing in more and more consulatants to document what we are doing, where we are at, etc. Seems like law suite prep... Yuck!

old spirit...?!

Last night Beast was fucking... Then when we were done an image of a wolf head popped into our head and we were in that world and yet I could still see the bedroom. Dual vision... Then the head raised and it was a medicine woman.

I no longer was Beast or me... Next the ground is shacking in my teepee and I'm screaming and run out. Earth shakes. Everyone is running around. Then things calm and there is drums and singing. Language is all in Cherokee  Akhenaten saw and heard and couldn't understand. It's like an old memory and not a dream. And yet how can it be? How can any of this be?!

While we are 1/64th Cherokee, and the powwows event feel of home, this hasn't happened before. And yet the songs and language feels and sounds so familiar and every so often ring in our head. Mom has said that it feels familiar to her too. But she had a great gradma that spoke the language. I didn't...

It feels that this spirt was a fleeting presence. But for a time last night I was a teenaged Indian scared and terrified for my life.

Job Hunt

The job hunt still goes... I've actually applied for a couple positions at a company I believe is a good fit. They still have that small start up company environment that you get with a 50-100 people operation. They have room to grow in the market. Now to see if they agree I am a great fit.


I am still looking at other possibilities as well. There is another gig that I'm highly qualified for, but it's with another fortune 500 company. I'm tired of that attomospheer. But the money might be good. Still looking at it.

Still working on getting my business going. I need to figure out a marketing strategy that doesn't cost money. Ya good luck to me...

A Little Sad [rachel]

We had sex with a friend of ours and switched around some ending with me. At the time I thought everything was ok. She even talked about doing it again sometime.

But since then she seems to be avoiding us and seems to shy away from us in social settings.

Last night everyone was giving each other hugs. We got a "I just met you" hug instead of one of intimate friend. (We usually get better than that from just met you people...)

So last night I was a little sad and wonder what went wrong? (Once in bed I cried a little over it and finally decided I, and we, didn't do anything wrong.)


In the end she isn't someone we want lots of time with. But when we are together we didn't want a wall.



Sometimes you take a risk and it doesn't turn out as desired.

Checking out

I've really been checking out and switching a lot lately. When I stress I go to my less able to hand things people. Well they are handling it by shutting me down... But I need to take strong decisive domly action... Ya I just fall apart. Well I'm not fully there yet and I'm fighting through it. I still haven't applied for anything. I have one I plan to go work on right now though. Hopefully something comes from that. Letting some of my baser self out to play last night helped me feel better. Sorry girl #1...


I find I'm getting angry and depressed. I hate it. I don't know how to express my job any other way. Why am I so attached to it. Probably because I've given 9 years to this company and now I'm treated like shit. I feel betrayed and used.