Aids

So I had my first aids test yesterday. (Well technically second because of the one I had last Monday with the other testing, but I haven't gotten those results yet...) I'm glad I did for several reasons.

One is that I used to have a boyfriend who's SO died of aids. I almost always used a condom with him. But there were those times we didn't. I had kids since then and since they didn't pop positive I figured I wasn't. (Really shitty way to know I know.) And others I'm playing with have been tested and they didn't pop positive.

Well I've learned a lot about being responsible with my sexual health very recently and over time. It was time that I moved from fear and into being proactive.

For years I had fears that I had it and it just hadn't taken over my system yet. And yet I always "knew" I was clean. So I never really knew for sure... Now I know I don't have it. So yay! (Waiting on the blood test version before I do the happy jig. This was a mouth swab...) And in some ways I feel a bit sad. My connection to someone I used to love is broken. As fucked up as that is...

So now I get to focus on staying clean. The free love side of me hates that. The drive to live is excited about it. Ughh...

I wasn't expecting to feel this way... Seems like I should be super happy about it. And most of us are. We haven't identified the voice that is sad on this one yet... probably part of Scott...