Rachel continues to be silent, well almost. We have gotten some very bitter comments in the background. But we haven't "fallen" into her coming out or something like that.
Akhenaten and Scott continue to spread across the space and have developed more of a co-sharing position when we aren't at work. A is closer to the surface and we are switching easily now. Most of the time.
A is growing again. We are making a concerted effort to pull back what Beast took since Beast is pure emotion like Rachel. We are fighting to develop a balanced mind and watching that we don't push too black and white.
Things with girl 1 have been improving since she's been trying to serve more and show her support.
Things with girl 2 have been improving but many questions about our future remain unanswered.
We are "good" with MK now. We had a great talk. Tonight will be the first time we've spent any time together since that happened. We'll see how it goes.
Upon reflection most of the issue around MK was that girl 2 took our power away and demanded to be able to have what she wanted. We've pushed Rachel away to let her have that work, but we continue to review just how ok we are with that long term. That our emotions were brushed aside in a M/s situation to the point of refusing to break it off if we commanded it is not acceptable. A slave gives up their rights... Outside relationships were suppose to be at my pleasure not a relationship breaker if I am not good with it.
I know I conceded some rules that I had in place to create a situation I could live with. Those changes created a situation that is now far far from what I've been trying to create as a house. Now I have to decide if being happy with two awesome people that love me is with the cost of yet again not having what I want. I believe I can have what I want. I want it with them. But life isn't following my plan and there are reasons and stuff in the way...
Now I'm so confused as to what rules are in play. And really as a group we've basicly suspended everything and my efforts at re-addressing rules has been rebuffed as doing it wrong or some other bull shit. So flying by the seat of our pants here. Being us in a situation that is fucked up and hoping we don't piss everyone off again because they are more worth having in our life than us being right. But at the end of the day we have to be able to hold our head high and be in charge. They refuse to allow us to be in charge how we expect to be. So while they haven't left me they are not choosing to follow where I lead. Very confusing situation.
If they don't want what I'm offering then lets end it and get our crying done and fix our lifes. But I don't want any of that to happen. I want the vision I set out long ago to come to true. A house where they reconize I'm fucked up. Reconize I'm trying and doing my best. And they still look up to me in spite of my reality. That they live in my fantasy that in one little piece of my life I actually have full control.
Sex and Poly issues may just be the death of our relationships because we can't agree to be full open nor full closed and we can't yet agree on where we are in the middle of all that.
I'm no longer afraid that if they leave me I won't find anyone else. That fear is finally gone. That is growth. I don't desire them to leave me and I want everyone back stronger and more bonded to me than ever.
So I'm floating along enjoying some inner peace now that we've shut up Rachel... For now a rocky boat around here is the calmest we've been inside in ages.
Next major life shit to handle:
a) My arm is more broken than not.
b) divorse
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