Mental State in Flux

Today...
I have the best girlfriend ever! She modified her date to take care of my mental state. It did wonders for my mental state, health, and our relationship. I had been feeling that she wasn't paying attention to what I need. I tried to let her go ahead with her plans knowing my feelings were lieing to me. But she saw through me and stayed and helped me instead. That is what I was really needing from her.

There has been so many stress items building that I really needed to vent. They don't feel or looks so big today. Yesterday I was feeling suicidal. Today, no fricking way! I've got so much going for me and I can handle this other stuff. I just needed a melt down for a bit.

Her date actually came over to spend the night with us and we had lots of cuddles and fun sexy times. That helped too!!!

Rachel seems to pop out big time whenever he is around. I have a mild concern that it will tip the dynamic in the long term. That might be ok... I'm worrying about how I'm viewed instead of living...

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Yesterday at lunch time I wrote:

I've been extra needy lately. I feel like I just can't get enough re-affirmation and attention. This happens when I'm feeling really out of control. I feel very out of control lately because I'm having trouble holding it all together. My needs, Scott's needs, and Rachel's needs are so different and incompatible. My poor girls just don't know what to do with us. What they can do is give lots of attention and hugs and cuddles and reaffirm our closeness.

Not so easy with girl #1 lately due to what she is dealing with internally. That is part of what I am spinning and responding to. Our dynamic has been ripped apart slowly over years of time and the final rip recently has made it so that I just don't know where I stand with them anymore. We kissed, just fast pecks, for the first time in ages last night. I wanted so much to grab her up and do so much more. But I left the room... She still isn't ready for me...

Girl #2 can't be everything I need. I don't expect her to be.

And internally Akhenaten doesn't trust Scott anymore. Or any of us after the point our brain should be a sleep and we aren't. The filter of caring about safety and doing the right thing leaves when our base sex side takes over. We're really struggling to keep #2 safe until we know we aren't infected.

There is the fear of what if we are then what. We know we have to wait and see what it is and what the "fix is" if there is one. We are so scared of loosing her. So I'm getting extra clingy...

Tonight #2 is off to sleep in another bed and I am really struggling with it. I need her with me right now. I'm not stable enough for this. I want to be. I say I am. But why am I crying about spending the night alone? Sure I've got a billion things I need to do around my business and whip projects. But ... in the end I'll be alone. I don't want to make her feel bad for wanting to be with another. But I need my girl... And I can't say it. I don't want to be jelious. It's not that. But I can see how it would look that way. It's me needing my needs taken care of and they aren't. But I don't know that she can. I just know it helps a lot having her near and telling me she still loves me.

I'm hurting. scared. breaking down all over. Sitting at my desk crying at work.

I'm not ok...

I'm not putting it all back together.

I fucked up and I can't fix it.

Every time I put on that condom I am reminded how I can't trust myself.

Every time I want to skip the condom I am reminded how I can't trust myself.

I had created a safety net of a relationship where I could be be. No fear to have sex. And freedom to be fulling engaged full time. We destroyed that. Now we are lost and scared and lonely even with people beside us because we can't be full in.

Our safety is lost. Now we are jumping around irradically. It is a struggle just to make it through the depression and day. I'm amazed we are getting any work done. Today we aren't. Lots of thoughts and fears. Lots of distraction. The voices are super loud and music just won't quit them. Too much work too do. Too overwhelming. Too many thoughts....

This is way beyond the physical aspect of sexual pleasure. I've fucked up my brain and I, we, don't know what to do in this waiting space...

3/11 we have a doctors appointment. We'll see what the tests say and go from there. For now... we weep.


I no longer trust us so how can anyone else?