The Woman Who Changed her Brain

Pointer for me: (sounds so like me in school....)

http://www.arrowsmithschool.org/arrowsmithprogram-background/pdf/How%20to%20Rewire%20a%20Brain.pdf

http://cnnradio.cnn.com/2012/09/07/the-woman-who-changed-her-brain/?hpt=hp_c2

A new one: Sarah

So last night I was off. I thought it was because of Meronym's choking insident that left her energy feeling funny.

All day I've been really sleepy and off. I thought some of it was the Indian girl behind me because her energy has been crying all day. (Her boyfriend is in India, probably getting married to somone else soon.)

All day the pressure in the back of my brain has been building. I thought it was because I was working on the  crew manifast. But nope it was someone new coming out for the first time. I was so sleepy I missed the signal that is what was happening.

I was talking to Laurel about work a bit ago and I heard my voice was closer to Rachel and I couldn't get it "male".

Then I was just at Walgreens and foolishly said if there is anyone trying to get out to go ahead. (I was tired of the brain switchy pressure.) I almost dropped all the stuff in my arms and heard my self say out loud. "Where the hell am I?" There was lots of fear. Akhenaten quickly assisted... We checked out.

We just got done with a group meeting at the round table. That is the only way we can all see what we "really" look like. She was there too...

So another one...

Maybe she is why I was so focused on blogging today. My mix seems to really be important to me today. Like greater than anything else. Abnormally so. It's normally just well... Normal. Today feels funny.

Still having trouble holding on to her. She keeps phasing away. But most of the new ones start that way. Just as new alters get tired quickly when they come out front in the system, they do inside too in the co-conscious space for a while.

So I guess I know why the alarm wasn't working earlier. She wasn't ready to hatch/break through yet.

Sleepy Time...

I can’t work today. This morning I tried and made lots of mistakes and I just gave up. I seem to be able to do my stuff. Stuff I feel doesn’t matter. But work… Too scared to fuck up. This is why I stay in positions where I’m under the raydar. I break too often to be reliable. When I’m stressed I break. I don’t feel streased today though. I just feel like someone didn’t wake up. We turned on the alarms in our head earlier today and felt two people wake. But someone is asleep and bogging us down. We frequently do have this situation and the alarms often help get everyone awake. Not working today. No idea who it is either. The main ones I hear are responding… Being a “boss” as it were this week is helping me be able to only have specific things people are looking for from me. I can hide out a bit for today. Just today…

Waking up screaming

Last night I had a great massage and it pulled Rachel out a bit stronger than the others but we were fairly mixed up. The massage really helps relax and excite us at the same time.

We tried to get sexual and it just wasn't working. Gave up and went to sleep.

We couldn't hear Akhenaten right then...

I thought I was awake, the brain was really noisy... I kept hearing Rachel saying loudly, rape me, over and over. Then I heard someone just screaming and then I woke up and my voice went from inside screaming to outside screaming and my breathing speed up and my heart raced as I came to. So apparently I was awake in the brain with the body asleep... 

Multiple interesting points to ponder there.

Helpless

I have a friend that is really depressed today. Woke up that way. I get it and have been there so many times. She says she thinks she should go to the doctor. I agree. She's in the middle of some huge life changes and could probably use some bridging to get through it. But it leaves me feeling so helpless as a friend. My empathy really gets in the way! But I can't be any other way. Cold hearten bastered just doesn't fit.

tears...

Why the hell am I blogging. I guess it's an opportunity to express what I want to say out loud to helpfully an audience that gets it. (So if you don't understand MPD or DID then I'm confusing you and boring you so why are you here?!)

I cried myself to sleep last night. I looked at what happened in my life yesterday today and couldn't find any logical reason fir it. I am sad about my girl #1 not being able to do much due to her sickness. I cuddled up to girl #2 and cried. Maybe that conversation about wanting more with girl #1 and missing each other "broke the camels back" because it shouldn't have lead to crying. Maybe it was seeing new pictures of the kids, whom I haven't seen for a long time. Maybe it's my ex telling me that she still loves me out of the blue yesterday. Maybe it's because my marriage anniversary is tomorrow. Maybe I just needed a good cry? Too often I cry without knowing why. Often if feels very girly and confusing. This felt of a man regretting decisions of my past... Some things can't be un-done. As much as I don't let them hold me back I can't be free of them. They torment me...

So merry fucking happy anniversary to me... Too broke to get divorced. Way more connected to the ex than I can get out of.

New Job Hunt

We've been on the hunt for a new job for months. We get really depressed at the thought working for someone else but don't want to bring in a financial partner that will own most of the business cause that would be the same thing. And we don't have the money to just go it alone right now. So our plan has been to work for someone that will pay us more for now and save up money to move and start a new business. So back to being depressed because we'll be working for someone else. As much as we look ahead we can't stand the journey... So there is this company that we've been looking at that we think would be "ok" to work for as a next step. But they keep taking down the job listings I'm customizing my resume for before I get it done. Just happened again. So close this time... So back to the hunt... For now back to my current job...