Waking Up

I've known all my life that I wake up in layers. I often even feel like I'm awake and try to move and the body doesn't. That can be in the middle of the night or in the morning when someone is trying to get us up. It's really frustrating to have someone telling us to get up, Dad, Girlfriend, etc, and we are trying and nothing is happening, or so it appears. What they don't get, and I didn't understand until this morning, is that we are waking up all split up. So while I'm awake, who is out might not be. Or I might be out and awake, and others are still asleep. The internal alarm bells we set off help some, but more like 50%. They don't seem to reach everyone. When some are still asleep then our brain is slowed down. A lot. And it has the side effect of making whomever is out to be drowsy too. Hard to focus then...

What brought the layers home for me this morning is that I was ready to go to work but it wasn't time yet. I sat down on the sofa and fell back asleep. I  was still out of energy from the night before. (I went on an hour walk after work on top of bad nutrition, too much snack food and soda, and ended up with a pinched nerve and my spirit was warn out!) Anyways I noticed my body went to sleep but I was still awake but slowed and pulled deep inside. Then I had the funniest feeling of what felt like I was floating out then a bubble gum bubble popping on my nose and I had the sensation of being awake and the drowsy feeling was gone. But it was Scotty, not me. We seem to share so much of the same brain space that we feel the same, except his thoughts are very kid like and scares really easy. He's jumpy. Not too long after that we were leaving and he told Girl Number 2 about it and said it felt like something hit his nose. He rode to work for a few mins then I started yawning and woke back up and he phased out. We just can't hold him out very long.

The layers, which I used to call my waking up phases, were always us waking up as personalities. Just when they were hidden inside I couldn't comprehend what was wrong and why I was so different.

We are still struggling to all fully wake up and it's 2pm. Even after eating breakfast and lunch, and multiple sodas with caffeine. This is nothing new and I struggle like this just about every day to wake up. Finally anywhere from 3-7pm I'll wake up. It's like someone has to keep sleeping, or we take turns, until we get enough.

Every year we have about 3 to 4 days where we wake up ready and rearing to go. We can't figure out how to make it happen everyday. We hate to go to sleep because we finally woke up when it's time to sleep. So we stay up too late and then can't wake up. We've tried multiple times to go to bed earlier but it doesn't seem to help and just makes our day really short.

Sleep disorder?

Yesterday I started taking vit. B-12. Hoping that helps!

Day off of work

I took today off work to drive girl number 1 to the Dentist. While there I was interpreting. That tends to pull Rachel out a touch. But Akhenaten was worried about his girl so we kept it visibly him. Although I heard Scott's voice frequently as things started tipping towards Rachel and especially when we were in full on interpreting mode instead of partner mode.

So I'm in the middle of working on some graphics today and my girl number 1 starts talking and Mr. Peare's voice and thoughts are answering her. And I'm like wait... You are the graphics person? Apparently so. So why didn't I know that? And why was I hearing Scott's thoughts in my head right before then?

Apparently Gay Dude was putting dinner together while I was thinking about the above happenings. And it occurred to us that when Mr. Peare helps with dinner is when it gets fancier than normal. Again I didn't know  Gay Dude was out until we started talking to ourselves, out loud.

Today at lunch I apparently was mid sentence when Rachel came out. I remember looking at the food and going ick and suddenly Rachel said it looked good to her. She looks up and our girl number 1 is looking at us with her head cocked and asked if we were ok. Apparently switching mid-sentence, with a long switch, is concerning. LOL I'd agree. That we didn't control the switch is bothersome. We've been really intentional with switches 90% of the time. It's when we find we've switched and don't know it is really worry some. What if we switch at work? I've been catching myself switching at work more and more lately... Can't let that  happen...

So a very swichy day today...

Sims / Second Life

Watching one of my girl playing sims with characters designed to look like her head mates I'm struck with how neat it is to see that side of my family. They've made a pintrest board for each one of them so I already had an idea of how they see themselves. But seeing them wonder around in sims reminds me of how chaotic it is in their head sometimes with everyone milling around.

I've also seen several characters in Second Life designed after head mates in my other girl. I even did one for Akehnaten once.

So what tools have you used to express your true selves when the body doesn't "fit" who you see yourself to be?

Sarah take 2

So yesterday Sarah showed up... I didn't know much about her.

Today I heard my childhood violin playing in my head. I asked, "is that you Sarah?" and I heard back "you better believe it." Instantly I was reminded of the overwhelming desire to learn to fiddle when we were a kid. Turns out Sarah is our fiddler who's dream we never realized because we gave up in late grade school...

I then had this overwhelming desire to go buy a fiddle over lunch. Didn't... But wow...

That we've been listening to country music lately could be a pre-cursor clue that she was coming. Or by doing so she had space to come out. Or both?

So I have a country girl in me... eeekk....

The Woman Who Changed her Brain

Pointer for me: (sounds so like me in school....)

http://www.arrowsmithschool.org/arrowsmithprogram-background/pdf/How%20to%20Rewire%20a%20Brain.pdf

http://cnnradio.cnn.com/2012/09/07/the-woman-who-changed-her-brain/?hpt=hp_c2

A new one: Sarah

So last night I was off. I thought it was because of Meronym's choking insident that left her energy feeling funny.

All day I've been really sleepy and off. I thought some of it was the Indian girl behind me because her energy has been crying all day. (Her boyfriend is in India, probably getting married to somone else soon.)

All day the pressure in the back of my brain has been building. I thought it was because I was working on the  crew manifast. But nope it was someone new coming out for the first time. I was so sleepy I missed the signal that is what was happening.

I was talking to Laurel about work a bit ago and I heard my voice was closer to Rachel and I couldn't get it "male".

Then I was just at Walgreens and foolishly said if there is anyone trying to get out to go ahead. (I was tired of the brain switchy pressure.) I almost dropped all the stuff in my arms and heard my self say out loud. "Where the hell am I?" There was lots of fear. Akhenaten quickly assisted... We checked out.

We just got done with a group meeting at the round table. That is the only way we can all see what we "really" look like. She was there too...

So another one...

Maybe she is why I was so focused on blogging today. My mix seems to really be important to me today. Like greater than anything else. Abnormally so. It's normally just well... Normal. Today feels funny.

Still having trouble holding on to her. She keeps phasing away. But most of the new ones start that way. Just as new alters get tired quickly when they come out front in the system, they do inside too in the co-conscious space for a while.

So I guess I know why the alarm wasn't working earlier. She wasn't ready to hatch/break through yet.

Sleepy Time...

I can’t work today. This morning I tried and made lots of mistakes and I just gave up. I seem to be able to do my stuff. Stuff I feel doesn’t matter. But work… Too scared to fuck up. This is why I stay in positions where I’m under the raydar. I break too often to be reliable. When I’m stressed I break. I don’t feel streased today though. I just feel like someone didn’t wake up. We turned on the alarms in our head earlier today and felt two people wake. But someone is asleep and bogging us down. We frequently do have this situation and the alarms often help get everyone awake. Not working today. No idea who it is either. The main ones I hear are responding… Being a “boss” as it were this week is helping me be able to only have specific things people are looking for from me. I can hide out a bit for today. Just today…